Archive: "Oh, SHIT!"

(May 12, 2008)

I've noticed that many of the submitted questions have long drawn out stories leading up to the question and have decided to start with the question and then explain it. How do you feel about taking a shit while at work? Normally I don't choose to shit while in public but work seems to be a good place to take a shit and spend some time away from the hussle and bussle of daily life. I just would like a professional opinion on the subject.

Sincerely,
Shitty McShitterson
(Name changed by "Axe Tashina" to protect the innoshit... get it? Like "innocent" but, you know, fucking lame.)

My Dearest Shitty,
Here's the thing. Until recently, I've never really been forthcoming with my shitting and how it affects my everyday life (i.e. my regularity, where I'm willing to shit, etc). However, since moving to Chi-town, I've become quite comfortable with my personal excretion process, and I share it with someone on a nearly daily basis. Example:

Person - "What's up?"
Me - "I think I have to poop."
Person - "Um... that's awkward."
Me - "I know. What's especially awkward is that I'm not SURE if I have to poop. But I think I do. So I'm probably gonna hang out for about 15 minutes and then I'll probably be ready to poop."
Person - "I'm leaving now."

Another example:

Me - "I hate when I have surprise poops!"
Person - "I hate that we're talking about your poop."
Me - "No, but seriously, sometimes I just go to pee, and then I have to poop! It's really annoying, because it doubles my bathroom time. Plus, all the wiping."
Person - "I hate you so much right now."

Oh, and my favorite:

Homeless Person - "Gotta dollar?"
Me - "Sorry, can't talk, gotta poop!" (runs away)
Homeless Person - "That's some sick shit, man."

Now, what's most interesting about this? I think it's the fact that when I talk about shit, I always say "poop." I'm not really sure why, but I feel like it's because "poop" seems more ladylike. If I'm gonna talk about shit incessantly, I should have the decency to put some ladyness into it, right? Because I'm nothing if not a lady. (Wait - does that then make me nothing? Because I think we all know that I ain't a lady.) The other thing I notice is that when I wrote "Chi-town," I thought of "Shi-town"... because I'm ten, and apparently Irish. (You know, with the "shite" and all that. Shut up.)

Now that I've shat out (textually) some of the shittiness in my everday life, let's get back to your question. Do I think you should shit at work? Absolutely. I understand that people are weird about only shitting at their houses or some shit , but I think that's a bunch of bullshit.

Should you be expected to hold your shit in all day, until you get home? Absolutely not. That's how you get colon and intestinal infections. I think. It sounds right, at least. I mean, don't hold your shit in! That shit's nasty.

The best thing about taking a shit at work is that it's like taking a break without actually having to take your break! They can't count a bathroom break as a REAL break, right? You can just take up residence in the stall and shit to your heart's content. In this case, though, I'd suggest parsing your shits out throughout the day. I mean, if you're spending an hour shitting your life away during work, someone's gonna notice. But if you can work with your shit to come out in 15 minute intervals, and then take 4 or 5 breaks at work, and then add in your actual break times - AWESOME. You only worked, like, half a day! You couldn't ask for better shit.

Be careful, though. Once you get comfortable with the work shit, you may feel the need to explore other public shits. WOAH. Hold your horses, Shitty. Work is one thing, because your shitting has a legitimate reasoning behind it - getting out of work. And like I said, you shouldn't hold it in... but you're going down a slippery slope if you start thinking you can just shit anywhere.

Because then you'll think, "Oh, I'm just at a friend's house, and they've got air freshener and that fan thingy" (you know what I'm talking about - the fan thingy), and that's okay, but only on rare occasions. But THEN you'll wonder, "This is a nice restaurant, surely it'd be alright if I shit here?" And it is. Maybe. But what if you're on a date, and then your lady is all grossed out because you're shitting at this really nice restaurant? What if she starts wondering if you washed your hands? DID you wash your hands?!!?? I hope so, or else you're a sick fuck, and I don't ever want to talk to you again. So THEN you start shitting in the less fancy restaurants (I'm looking at you, Chili's), which weirds all of your friends out when you're gone for 30 minutes. And a shit-ton of your friends are there, because everyone takes big groups to shitty restaurants. And THEN you'll go into a bar, and think, "I bet they have a clean stall, and I bet it's fine to shit here."

Stop.

Stop right fucking there, and turn your life around that shitty corner and come back to humanity.

We do not shit in bars. If we have even an ounce of self-respect, we DO NOT SHIT IN BARS. That's fucking funky on so many levels, the first of which being your ass that just got SYPHILIS all over it from even being bare in the same AREA as that bar toilet. That shit is not worth it.

So what do you do if you need to shit whilst at a bar? Go home. Or go to work. Or go to that friend's house with the air freshener and the fan thingy. ANYWHERE but the bar.

Unless you're wasted. Then, dude, sometimes you just gotta go. I feel you on that shit.

Let's sum up: live your life shitting your workday away, but watch out if you starting shitting away at a bar.