(November 25, 2007)
Dear Axe Tashina!,
What should I do in response, when on a first date with a guy that I am seeing, OOPPSS... sticks his fist in/up my ass? Also I am having trouble shitting, do you think it is related?
Please help me!
Thanks,
Shitless in Seattle
What should I do in response, when on a first date with a guy that I am seeing, OOPPSS... sticks his fist in/up my ass? Also I am having trouble shitting, do you think it is related?
Please help me!
Thanks,
Shitless in Seattle
Dear SIS,
First of all, what is this "in/up" business? It's one or the other, depending on the position of your ass in relation to his first. For the purposes of this discussion, let's go with "in", because "up" implies that you're standing, and he's crawling into the room all "Apocalypse Now" and napalming your ass from below. Which... well, is an awesome visual, but we'll stick with "in" anyway.
The proper response to someone fisting your ass is to say "thank you." However, I think you're talking about a long-term response here, and not an immedate response. Otherwise, your guy has been waiting a long time, with his fist in your ass, for you to say something. On a side note, if you have trouble with immediate responses to awkward situations (particularly sexual ones), sign up for my class: "Yes Or Uhhhh...? Instructional Seminar About Situational Learning Under Tashina" or "YOU? IS A SLUT" for short. I know, it's a little awkward. That's what happens when you get Flava Flav to come up with names.
Moving on... what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Ass-fisting. Yum.
I'm guessing that you're feeling a little awkward about this fisting session, since you've sent me a question about it. Is it because he fisted you on the first date? I admit, that's a little early for me. I say fisting waits for the third date - everyone knows that regular sex is for the first date. Kinky stuff doesn't come til afterwards. Speaking of coming/cumming, was he jerking himself off at the same time? And more importantly, did he cum on your back? Because that is NOT cool for the first date. Second date is cum on the back time. I wish guys would remember these things. Maybe I should do a class for that. Anyone got ideas for a name?
Look, do you like him? If you do, I say forgive him, and gently remind him to wait until the third date for ass-fisting. I'm sure he'll understand, and if he's a good man, he'll at least ask next time. If he doesn't understand your weirdness with first date ass-fisting, shove a large, hot curling iron in his ass and leave him. Because seriously? He didn't even ask to fist your ass! Rude.
And that brings us right into your other problem - the shitting. To be honest, I think there were some problems before this fisting incident, although perhaps not those that you're having now. See, if he didn't ask, there still had to be some point where he's wriggling his fist around, or spitting in your asshole, or pulling his industrial-sized KY jelly out of his masculine man-satchel... and yet by the phrasing of your question, it seemed like it was a clear shot right into the ass. "OOPPSS" indeed, SIS. I'm actually surprised that you aren't having perpetual diarrhea instead of the other way around.
So I'm guessing that his (tiny? midget-size? please tell me it was small) fist plugged up your asshole, which is why you're not shitting. I'm assuming that's what you mean by "trouble," and not something else. In fact, because I'm not a big fan of shit-talk (heh), I'm not even gonna explore any more possible troubles you could be going through.
So take some fucking Metamucil, or Ex-Lax, or eat some fiber (AKA sperm) and start shitting again. If that doesn't work, ask someone to fist your ass again. Maybe he can pound your shit loose for you. Look, I'm as much a fan of ass-fisting as the person, but that's as much help as you're getting with your shit problem. I don't have constipation problems, and really, I don't even know how you could with your ENORMOUS, GAPING ASSHOLE.
Great. Now I really want an ass-fisting.
First of all, what is this "in/up" business? It's one or the other, depending on the position of your ass in relation to his first. For the purposes of this discussion, let's go with "in", because "up" implies that you're standing, and he's crawling into the room all "Apocalypse Now" and napalming your ass from below. Which... well, is an awesome visual, but we'll stick with "in" anyway.
The proper response to someone fisting your ass is to say "thank you." However, I think you're talking about a long-term response here, and not an immedate response. Otherwise, your guy has been waiting a long time, with his fist in your ass, for you to say something. On a side note, if you have trouble with immediate responses to awkward situations (particularly sexual ones), sign up for my class: "Yes Or Uhhhh...? Instructional Seminar About Situational Learning Under Tashina" or "YOU? IS A SLUT" for short. I know, it's a little awkward. That's what happens when you get Flava Flav to come up with names.
Moving on... what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Ass-fisting. Yum.
I'm guessing that you're feeling a little awkward about this fisting session, since you've sent me a question about it. Is it because he fisted you on the first date? I admit, that's a little early for me. I say fisting waits for the third date - everyone knows that regular sex is for the first date. Kinky stuff doesn't come til afterwards. Speaking of coming/cumming, was he jerking himself off at the same time? And more importantly, did he cum on your back? Because that is NOT cool for the first date. Second date is cum on the back time. I wish guys would remember these things. Maybe I should do a class for that. Anyone got ideas for a name?
Look, do you like him? If you do, I say forgive him, and gently remind him to wait until the third date for ass-fisting. I'm sure he'll understand, and if he's a good man, he'll at least ask next time. If he doesn't understand your weirdness with first date ass-fisting, shove a large, hot curling iron in his ass and leave him. Because seriously? He didn't even ask to fist your ass! Rude.
And that brings us right into your other problem - the shitting. To be honest, I think there were some problems before this fisting incident, although perhaps not those that you're having now. See, if he didn't ask, there still had to be some point where he's wriggling his fist around, or spitting in your asshole, or pulling his industrial-sized KY jelly out of his masculine man-satchel... and yet by the phrasing of your question, it seemed like it was a clear shot right into the ass. "OOPPSS" indeed, SIS. I'm actually surprised that you aren't having perpetual diarrhea instead of the other way around.
So I'm guessing that his (tiny? midget-size? please tell me it was small) fist plugged up your asshole, which is why you're not shitting. I'm assuming that's what you mean by "trouble," and not something else. In fact, because I'm not a big fan of shit-talk (heh), I'm not even gonna explore any more possible troubles you could be going through.
So take some fucking Metamucil, or Ex-Lax, or eat some fiber (AKA sperm) and start shitting again. If that doesn't work, ask someone to fist your ass again. Maybe he can pound your shit loose for you. Look, I'm as much a fan of ass-fisting as the person, but that's as much help as you're getting with your shit problem. I don't have constipation problems, and really, I don't even know how you could with your ENORMOUS, GAPING ASSHOLE.
Great. Now I really want an ass-fisting.
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