Re-post: Happy HO-lidays!

Here's an old question from a few Christmases ago. Enjoy! And don't forget to get drunk this season!


Dear Axe Tashina,
I've seen and heard a number of things regarding Santa and his "hos." I think it's a disgrace to the whole idea of santa... the REAL meaning of christmas. Nevermind that Jesus shit, right? What do you think about this Santa business and is the political correctness gone too far?

I hope I don't hear any Santas saying "ha ha ha" in the future. I'll only think he's taunting me with his superiority over the elves.

Sincerely,
Santa is really my daddy

Dear Daddy Issues,
Okay, there are a lot of questions going on here. Well, there's really only one actual question, plus a rhetorical question, and then some grandstanding about Santa. Get off your Santa soapbox and just enjoy the magic of the holidays.

But let's get down to the real topic at hand: hoes. Everyone knows that Santa's elves are also his hoes, thus Santa calling of choice: "ho ho ho". See, he tried to be polite, and call the elves by name; after all, it worked well with his reindeer! (Except for Rudolph - that needy piece of shit wanted a whole fucking song written for him before he'd harness himself to that sleigh. If it hadn't been foggy, Santa would have just said "Fuck it" and stuck with the original twelve. As it is, Rudolph still gets made fun of in his song, so Santa got a little payback for having to grovel for that meth-addled freak of a reindeer. What, you thought that red nose was a birth defect? But I digress...) The problem with the elves, though, is that there were thousands of them. Santa didn't want to have to call each of them by name, plus he's old, so he hadn't learned a new name since "Blitzen." As he was thinking about how to solve this elf problem, his wife kindly reminded him of her Elf Brothel, and her fool-proof way of rounding up the elfstitutes when she needed their money. (Okay, so Mrs. Claus didn't remind Santa nicely, because that bitch is RUDE.) And thus, "ho ho ho" became a mainstay in Santa's lexicon.

So I don't think we have to worry about Santa changing it to "ha ha ha" because, first, that's stupid, and second, the elves wouldn't come a-running. Running elves equal hot elf bodies, which equals more money for the Elf Brothel. So never fear, young one, you will always have some "ho ho ho" in your life. Which is what I think everyone needs for the holidays.

How much do you kind of want to see a midget porn about the Elf Brothel? I'm all wet just thinking about it. Or that could just be the midget who is going down on me right now. Which is awkward, because I'm at work, and ladies are shopping for clothes. Oh, if only I had a midget to service each of them! Wait - now THAT'S the porn I want to see.

As for political correctness, I think all that's a bunch of horseshit. The last time I was politically correct, whiteys were calling darkies "colored folk." That being said, I'm not gonna shove my Santa love in everyone's faces. If they wanna love Hannukah Harry, or Kwanzaa Kameka, fine by me. Keep your Jesus out of it, though. That dude just creeps me out. Magical babies? No thanks. I don't need no baby telling me what's what - the damn thing can't even talk yet!

You know, what's weird is that if Jesus showed up today and walked on water or turned water into wine (what's his problem with water? leave that shit alone, Jesus), we'd put him in a mental institution. Where he belongs, because he CRAZY. Plus, the loony bin could probably use a little more Jesus in its life. I'm just sayin'.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand all my Christian friends are forsaking me. Right now. Don't forsake me! Do like Jesus says, and turn the other cheek. Also, don't look behind you, because I'm shoving an inanimate object in your ass. It might be a curling iron, it might be a bottle of wine, or it might be my fist.

Happy holidays!