Archive: "A broken foot."

(November 4, 2007)

To the naysayers - I do NOT make up these questions. People really do send them to me. I even paste them into my blog as written, so as to stay true to the questioner. As to whether the questions are sincere... not my problem. I just answer them. And if you have sent me a question, don't fret. I'll get to it.

there is a broken foot in my vag. what do i do? :(

Well... this is a hard question, because it is so vague. There are many ways for a broken foot to be in your vag, and for me to address all those instances would make for a long and unwieldy blog. So I'll try to hit the main points, and hopefully I'll answer your question adequately. If not, write back and BE MORE SPECIFIC. Vague questions just anger me. Now, on to some broken foot/vag possibilities...

1) The foot sex got agressive.

Perhaps you are a podophiliac (foot fetishist), and wanted to do some good ol' fashioned foot fucking. Or maybe the guy's dick wasn't as large as his big toe (if so, I am so so sorry). Or maybe you're a lesbian, and your strap-on/dildo/vibrator broke. Or maybe some other something that I'm not thinking of. Whatever the reasoning, let's move on to a solution.

If the foot is broken, and stuck, this causes me to assume that the entire foot is in your vagina. So the problem comes from a broken bone bent at an angle. I'm guessing that the pain is too excruciating for anyone to move (how you got to a computer to ask this question is something I don't want to think about). I'm also guessing that you're too embarrassed to call an ambulance. So your only solution is to reset the foot/ankle bone inside your vagina.

Normally, you would need anesthesia for resetting a bone, and you'd like to have two hands on the bone as well. However, this is obviously not a normal situation, so we'll try to work with what we've got.

First, try to get one hand around the broken bone or area. This might be difficult, especially since what's broken is actually inside your vagina. On the other hand, you did get an ENTIRE FOOT in, so I'm guessing your hand won't really hurt much. Next, put your other hand on the leg area closest to your vag, while still outside the vag. Before you do anything else, feel around the break and see if you can figure which direction the foot is in. When you reset it, you'll need to move it in the opposite way. Then, in quick succession: pull the foot into you and the leg out of you; pull the foot all the way out of your vagina; and push the foot back into the bone from which it broke. Your vagina should now be footless. As soon as this happens, find some way to make a splint for the broken foot. Often a pillow wrapped around the foot like a stirrup and then taped or tied with a bandage works well.

I'm betting there's a part of that which seems upsetting - the pulling of the foot out of the vagina. That's why you need to pull the foot away from the leg first. That excruciating pain (which is part of resetting) will distract the foot's owner long enough for you to manuever the foot out of your vag. If there's a bottle of liquor within reaching distance (and I bet there is, because that's how most people get sexy with feet), make the foot's owner drink as much as possible before the resetting/vag evacuation begins.

2) You have a severed foot in your vag.

I'm going to bypass the icky of this possibility, because my thoughts are endless. I mean, did you find this foot on the street? Did you purchase the foot? Did you cut off someone's foot? Where did this foot come from? How long was this foot severed? And why did you put it in your vag? More importantly, did you sterilize it before vag insertion? Because, for me, sterilization is much more necessary in a severed foot than in a foot still connected to a body. (Okay, I didn't really bypass the icky. But... so many questions!)

Again, we'll assume that you're not down for a hospital visit, so I'll try to help you in other ways. If the severed foot is still protruding out of your vagina, it should be fairly simple for you to yank it out. You did say it was stuck, so I'm betting it's gonna take quite a bit of tugging on your part. If you have access to something that'll numb your vag, I'd suggest using it. Again, liquor always helps. The other thing is a lubricant of some sort: KY, Vaseline, lotion, baby oil, Crisco... something that's slick. Careful on getting any of that inside your vag - Infection City will be founded up in there, and believe me when I say that you will NOT be mayor of that shit.

If the severed foot is all the way inside your vagina, then you have a problem. First of all, HOW?!?! Second of all, no seriously... HOW?!?!? Ahem. As far as I can tell, you're going to need something large and tweezer-like to get the foot out. Salad tongs might work. Also, having access to a speculum would be helpful, although I don't know many people who have those lying around.

Find a mirror that you can position in such a way as to have a good clear view of your vagina. Then, spread your labia as far apart as possible (which should be pretty far for you), and insert your hand into your vagina. Locate the foot, and with your spreader hand, grab the tweezer-like device. Insert the device into your vagina, grasp onto the foot, and hope for dear life that you can get that sucker out. With any luck, you should be able to at least move it to a place where you can get part of it out, and then just yank it all the way out.

Be aware that you should not just try to get the foot out with only your hand. That foot will be slippery, and so will your hand. The tweezer-like device will hopefully have enough grip action to help you. If you try to do it with only your hand, you run the risk of slipping, and getting that foot stuck even farther up your vag.

3) You broke someone's foot with your vag.

Good for you! They probably deserved it. Plus, they were obviously aiming for your vag, or else your vag wouldn't have been able to break the foot. Anyone who gives a vag kick deserves to have his/her foot broken. Asshole. And you've obviously been doing your Kegels, which means you're good in bed, so: BONUS! Nonetheless, we still have to get the foot out.

Essentially, you want to do the same procedure in possiblity 1, except that I'd knock the foot's owner unconscious. He/she probably doesn't like you much, and won't be very helpful in this situation. Also, you seem to have strong vaginal muscles, which means you might have some fighting to do with your vag in order to get the foot out. Your vag may feel that because she broke the foot, the foot is hers. My vagina is very possessive that way, so I understand. You just need to talk her down, promising some very nice sex later as a reward for all her hard work. After that, you should be good to go with resetting the bone. Even if you don't like the foot's owner, it is important for you to reset the bone, because it is actually a lot easier on your vagina than just pulling the foot out.

Whew! I think that covers the main possibilities. Hope you get that foot out!