Archive: "It's a Cosby blog!"

(January 27, 2008 - the day "blogsby" was born)

After writing the subject line, I immediately thought "Blogsby!" Which is totally what my blog will be called now. Plus, it makes me think of a butler. And when I'm rich, I will require that my manservant go by the name of "Blogsby." Then I will mock him mercilessly in my blogsby.

Dear Ask Tashina:
I refuse to give in to your ebonics, madam. Why do you insist on encouraging my people to speak improperly? Don't you agree that it's their own fault for speaking like idiots? Learn the master race's language! Right? Also: What happened to my career?

Bill Cosby

Sigh.

Honestly? I don't know whether I should answer this as if Bill Cosby really sent me a question, or as if I was aware that some doofus is pretending to be Bill Cosby, asking me a question. (That sentence is awkwardly worded... but you know what I'm saying.) More importantly, it seems like there's a lot of rhetorical questions, and not any real question. Which makes it hard for me to give an answer to anything. Other than the last question, to which the answer is: "Your career went where you did on those 12 ladies who charged you for sexual harassment - down." Except that I hope if I were to give a more detailed answer to that question, it would be WAY more witty than that.

But here's the real question. Did anyone know that Bill Cosby had 12 (12!!) ladies allege that he harassed them? It started with one woman's accusation, where Bill Cosby gave her blue pills (which... what? I know that not every blue pill is Viagra, but Bill Cosby is 70 now, so he was pretty old then, and maybe he got his roofies mixed up with his penis pills? very strange) and she woke up with her bra undone and mussed-up clothes. And then other ladies started coming out of the woodwork. I mean, I know that people make false accusations. But then if you couple it (or rather, baker's dozen it) with the whole Autumn Jackson debacle, it makes Bill Cosby seem like a shady character indeed. So where does he get off telling black people that they're shaming themselves? Because if you took Bill Cosby's name out of those stories, it would read like some second-tier NBA player. If you added some physical abuse to it, Bill Cosby would be Jason Kidd. (Who is not second-tier, because only high class NBA ballers beat their wives. Shut up, Jason Kidd.)

I'm just saying, I used to love Bill Cosby, and now all I want to do is punch him in the face. I get that he's trying to promote education in the black community, but there are better ways to do it than insulting your culture. Listen, old man, why don't you go stick your hand up some young thang's skirt, and come back to me when you actually know what it's like to live in a single-parent household? I think Bill Cosby's biggest problem is that he wants to be a white man. And really, he is a white man. He's rich, and no one likes him anymore. See, Michael Jackson? You don't have to go freaky to go white. You just have to be an old, rich asshole.

God. I'm talking about Bill Cosby and Michael Jackson. What is this, the early to mid 90's? Also? I can't call Bill Cosby anything but "Bill Cosby." I even wrote "the Cos" and "Bill" at certain points above, and deleted it because it seemed wrong. Even with my new-found hatred of Bill Cosby (thanks, Wikipedia!), I still can't help but respect him. Oh, Bill Cosby. How you conflict me so.

Fucking Bill Cosby. Getting me all riled up... over what? Some jackass who sent me a question, acting like he's Bill Cosby? I don't need all the "witty" business in your questions, people. I'm obviously the queen of the wit, and you trying to usurp my title in your questions is just gonna make YOU look like a fool, not the other way around.

Although, by me answering these non-questions, I do look like a pretty big dumbass. Because why wouldn't I just ignore the question? I think it's because I'm so in need of attention all the time, that I can't pass up a chance to attempt my funny, even when the funny's not working (see: this blogsby). "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!" is what my heart is crying out. "I only exist if someone thinks I'm awesome!"

Luckily, everyone thinks I'm awesome, so my need for attention is constantly validated. We all win! Well, I win, and everyone else can just bask in my awesomeness.

(I can't stop saying the word "blogsby" in my head. It's on a loop. Blogsbyblogsbyblogsby. I thought if I wrote it, it would go away. It didn't, and my fingers don't really like typing "blogsby.")

Archive: "Vag nibbles."

(January 20, 2008)

I first had the subject line as "I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!" But that has nothing to do with this question. I just loved There Will Be Blood. Go see it. And start drinking people's milkshakes.

ANYWAY. On to the question.

Dear Axe Tashina,
as a young boy i was exposed to a film by my uncle which portrayed vaginas as having teeth. after the man came, her vagina sprouted teeth and almost bit his penis off. i have been afraid that they really do have teeth for a long time. eventually i was assured they don't. i was then exposed to this movie trailer (EDIT: there was a movie trailer in the original post, but I'm not taking the time to find it and re-post it).

now i do not know what to believe. the question is Do Vaginas have teeth? and is there a correlation between the event that scarred my childhood and my blatant homosexuality.

scared far from Straight,
Bloo

First of all, I don't know what this movie is that you saw as a child. I've searched for it... and IMDB just keeps giving me The Thing (heh). I saw that movie, and I don't remember any biting vaginas. Hmmm. There's also a German movie, but I think that's some kind of weird art-porn. Which... well, if your uncle was showing you that, I think we know that it wasn't JUST the munching vag that scared you gay. Also, although I absolutely want to go see Teeth (the movie on the trailer above), there was a movie that came out a couple of years ago called Angst (although IMDB calls is "Penetration Angst", and I now officially hate IMDB - kidding. I totally love IMDB, because I am a movie nerd. Sometimes I go on IMDB just to "hang out," as in I look up movies I love, or movies I've just watched, or movies I've never seen, and I read about them. I hate my life.) that went straight to video, also about a killer vag. I never saw it - it looked terrible. Nonetheless, our culture seems to be very interested in the dreaded vagina dentata (Latin for "vagina with teeth," or in Latina slang, "crunching cunt").

Despite what you might think, vagina dentata is a myth. A few years ago, I was doing research for Blank Line when I came across a Native American myth (it's always the fucking Indians - damn my people!) about it. I'm paraphrasing, but here's the basic story: There was a beautiful girl who couldn't get married because her father would kill any suitor that came across their doorstep, or teepee entrance, or whatever the fuck Indians had as doorsteps back in the day. So a big, strong warrior from another town (... you know, the Indian towns. Scalps City, Mohawk You Like a Hurricane, Sit On My Faceville...) came and defeated the father. The girl and the warrior got married, and as they lay on their wedding bed (and this is where you KNOW it's a myth, because that warrior was getting pussy everywhere, and he wouldn't just shack up with some ho who wouldn't put out before the wedding), the warrior noticed some chompers where there shouldn't be chompers. So... how to get down to brass tax? (I don't even know what that euphemism is - but you know what I'm saying.) The warrior solved the problem by shoving his wooden club (!) in her poonanny (!!!), and as her dentated vagina ate some wood (I... don't know. Also, heh.), the teeth began to fall out. Once the girl's labia looked like my grandma's mouth after she takes out her dentures (I just grossed myself out with that one), the girl and the warrior went to town. On each other.

There are variations from tribe to tribe on this myth. One has it where there's 3 sisters, and they're hot, but they keep killing their suitors with the vag teeth. 2 of the sisters turn into blood-thirsty whores (of course), but one remains pure (really? then how did she figure out her vag was biting off dicks?) until a warrior comes along and suggests the wood solution. Another calls the vaginally dentated woman the Terrible Mother, and it's just like a huge biting vagina with legs. And that mental image frightens me to no end.

I realize that it's a little weird how I have a wealth of vagina dentata knowledge. It's the Cherokee in me; we're like, born with dentata fascination. Although... YIKES. Those myths are fucking scary. And? If I DID have a toothy vag, I would certainly NOT allow someone to shove what is essentially a fucking baseball bat up my hole. I don't care about ANY penis that much. I mean, really. Was there anything, oh, I don't know, SMALLER than that to put in her crotch? Seriously. A fucking wooden club. Fuck off, warrior man. Let me pull this stick out my cooter and hit you in the fucking face with it. Fucking jag-off. Not to mention the splinters. If you want the teeth off, find something that's not gonna make my lady parts look like the hands of a wood carver.

Plus, if the vagina is a muncher, does that mean that after it has no teeth, it just gums at your penis? And would that be a good thing or a bad thing? I wonder how that affects her orgasms. I mean, let's say she was masturbating (pre-warrior man time). HOW? When does the biting commence? Would it be like, she touches her clit and the thing activates? My brain hurts from trying to figure it out (because in my world, "how would she masturbate?" is the most important question). That lady wouldn't have to do her Kegels, that's for sure.

But back to the question, although I could go on for days about vagina dentata. (It's crazy! There's so much about it! I'm gonna Google it right after I'm done with this. For real.) I think what turned you gay is your own damn gay self, Bloo. With or without vagina dentata, you would have been a big, flaming homosexual. I'm guessing the image of a killer vag didn't really help, but I'm also guessing you were more worried about the poor guy's mutilated dick than you were the possibility of you coming in contact with the dentata. You? Vaginas? Not friends. That friendship's been off since you came out of your mother's vag. It's okay; vaginas aren't mad, they just want their CDs back.

One last thing: ladies, if you have teeth on your vagina, it means that you have a cyst, or worse, a tumor. Go get that shit checked out. Seriously.
Oh, and this: someone invented an anti-rape female condom which is lined with microscopic barbs that attach to the rapist's penis and has to be surgically removed. I won't even go into how that would work, except... do you have to wear it all the time? Maybe just the idea that it's out there is enough to scare rapists.

Archive: "Whore it out."

(December 28, 2007)

a friend of ours has been known to call people who have had sex "whores". this friend has recently ben having sex, and from what i've been told she really fucking likes it. alas, she sill claims she is a virgin. how do we get her to admit it, and knock her off of her high fucking horse.

sincerely,
Bitch Goin' Down

I feel like I have to spend a lot of time explaining terms to you bitches. And yet... here we go.

"Whore" is a term for someone who has sex for money. If you're just having sex because you like it, then you're a slut. Or a hussy. Or a dicksucking ball bandit. Or any of the many terms used for men who have lots of sex - oh wait. That doesn't happen because this sex bullshit is so one-sided. I know that the whole dilemma of "slut vs. player" has been discussed to death, but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Liking sex is natural. Fuck those who say otherwise, because it just means they're jealous.

Alright, so next problem. How is this girl saying she's a virgin? Does she only have sex in the ass? Does she use a strap-on and fuck her significant other (not assuming sexual orientation)? Does she... I mean, I don't know what else. Obviously, it's not just oral sex. Everyone knows that's not REAL sex. If the 13 year-olds are doing it, it must be chaste, right?

But here's the thing about your friend's predicament: virgins get the dick more easily. (Oh wait, that's assuming sexual orientation, right? Whatever, this cunt is totally hetero, otherwise she'd accept her sluttiness.) So she's probably still claiming her virginity because a) she thinks boys won't like her as much if she's "tainted" or b) she knows what a draw virgins are to boys. Either way, she's a fucking twatface, and if you're not gonna tell her so, just kick her to the fucking curb.

Here's a more pressing matter: why do you care so much? Your friend's a hypocritical cum-guzzling cockmonger, and you worry that she's calling you a whore? Come with it. You have some problems of your own.

Are you having sex? Do you feel guilty about this sex? Because you shouldn't. Unless you're pregnant, or have an STD, or are fucking a married dude, you're fine. Sex is completely natural, like I said. I am so tired of people acting like prudes about it. IT'S JUST SEX. I used to feel guilty about having sex every day, especially since it was with a different guy every time. But see, every animal is wired to want to have sex. It just so happens that humans are also wired to feel guilty about it. Once you realize that red deer (look it up - I saw it on "Planet Earth") alpha males have sex with EVERY female in their group, you'll feel better. Although... that just goes back to the whole male/female dynamic that drives me up the fucking wall.

Just use a fucking CONDOM (seriously... no, seriously) and get it on whenever, and with whoever you like. If the other person feels bad, that's their problem. Unless it was bad sex. In that case... well, that's another Axe Tashina question for another day.

P.S. I also don't get women getting all emotional after sex. I mean, I've been emotional (if you call "orgasming" being emotional...), but this whole idea that having sex equals a relationship is ri-motherfucking-diculous. Unless you're already in a relationship, a man is not going to want to date you once he's had sex with you. You know, the whole "buy the milk/cow for free" metaphor. He'll just fuck you, make false promises (if he wants to fuck you again), and you'll be left wondering where your life went. How depressing for you, you stupid stupid stupid stupid girl.

Archive: "I'm gonna fist you so hard."

(November 25, 2007)

Dear Axe Tashina!,
What should I do in response, when on a first date with a guy that I am seeing, OOPPSS... sticks his fist in/up my ass? Also I am having trouble shitting, do you think it is related?
Please help me!
Thanks,
Shitless in Seattle

Dear SIS,

First of all, what is this "in/up" business? It's one or the other, depending on the position of your ass in relation to his first. For the purposes of this discussion, let's go with "in", because "up" implies that you're standing, and he's crawling into the room all "Apocalypse Now" and napalming your ass from below. Which... well, is an awesome visual, but we'll stick with "in" anyway.

The proper response to someone fisting your ass is to say "thank you." However, I think you're talking about a long-term response here, and not an immedate response. Otherwise, your guy has been waiting a long time, with his fist in your ass, for you to say something. On a side note, if you have trouble with immediate responses to awkward situations (particularly sexual ones), sign up for my class: "Yes Or Uhhhh...? Instructional Seminar About Situational Learning Under Tashina" or "YOU? IS A SLUT" for short. I know, it's a little awkward. That's what happens when you get Flava Flav to come up with names.

Moving on... what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Ass-fisting. Yum.

I'm guessing that you're feeling a little awkward about this fisting session, since you've sent me a question about it. Is it because he fisted you on the first date? I admit, that's a little early for me. I say fisting waits for the third date - everyone knows that regular sex is for the first date. Kinky stuff doesn't come til afterwards. Speaking of coming/cumming, was he jerking himself off at the same time? And more importantly, did he cum on your back? Because that is NOT cool for the first date. Second date is cum on the back time. I wish guys would remember these things. Maybe I should do a class for that. Anyone got ideas for a name?

Look, do you like him? If you do, I say forgive him, and gently remind him to wait until the third date for ass-fisting. I'm sure he'll understand, and if he's a good man, he'll at least ask next time. If he doesn't understand your weirdness with first date ass-fisting, shove a large, hot curling iron in his ass and leave him. Because seriously? He didn't even ask to fist your ass! Rude.

And that brings us right into your other problem - the shitting. To be honest, I think there were some problems before this fisting incident, although perhaps not those that you're having now. See, if he didn't ask, there still had to be some point where he's wriggling his fist around, or spitting in your asshole, or pulling his industrial-sized KY jelly out of his masculine man-satchel... and yet by the phrasing of your question, it seemed like it was a clear shot right into the ass. "OOPPSS" indeed, SIS. I'm actually surprised that you aren't having perpetual diarrhea instead of the other way around.

So I'm guessing that his (tiny? midget-size? please tell me it was small) fist plugged up your asshole, which is why you're not shitting. I'm assuming that's what you mean by "trouble," and not something else. In fact, because I'm not a big fan of shit-talk (heh), I'm not even gonna explore any more possible troubles you could be going through.

So take some fucking Metamucil, or Ex-Lax, or eat some fiber (AKA sperm) and start shitting again. If that doesn't work, ask someone to fist your ass again. Maybe he can pound your shit loose for you. Look, I'm as much a fan of ass-fisting as the person, but that's as much help as you're getting with your shit problem. I don't have constipation problems, and really, I don't even know how you could with your ENORMOUS, GAPING ASSHOLE.

Great. Now I really want an ass-fisting.

Archive: "Do you hate people?"

(November 18, 2007)

Dear Axe Tashina,

People make me angry. In particular, I have a hard time dealing with rude people, pretentious people, socially awkward people, ugly people, and stupid people. My anger has boiled to a point where I am considering living with animals, being a hermit, or killing people. How can I safely and effectively deal with my infuriation at the human race?

Your 1 Fan,

People Hater

Dear People Hater,

Gee...

As many people know, I'm rather well known for my dislike of people, so I feel your pain. Dealing with people is hard, but we can get through this together! Because really, that's what needs to happen. All of the smart people who hate people should get together and constantly commiserate about how much they hate other people. It's the only topic they could talk about, because they'd probably annoy the shit out of each other if they talked about anything else. In all actuality, people who hate people are pretentious people, which means that they also hate themselves.

But I'm not gonna get into some hippy-dippy bullshit about "how to get over your self-hatred and start loving people again." If you're interested in that, go fuck yourself. Or fuck your therapist while he tells you how to get over your self-hatred. (Hint: fucking your therapist is NOT the right answer. No matter what he says.) No, we're gonna talk about how to deal with these people in a way that allows you to get some infuriation out, and entertain yourself at the same time. Ready?

RUDE PEOPLE. Pretty easy. Rude people are usually so busy being rude that they won't notice if you're rude back. Or, if they notice, they'll just continue to plow through on the Rude Train, and you'll be no more irritated than before. In fact, if they notice you're being rude back to them, the conversation turns infinitely more interesting.

Let's say that at first, they get your goat by saying something rude about Radiohead, like "They can't play their way out of a paper bag, and Thom Yorke sings like a strangled manatee out of water." RUDE! So rude. The proper response? "I hope you and your entire family fall down a well like that baby Jessica bitch, and when people come looking for your family, they forget about you, so then you die in that well, all alone." Make sure you say it in a completely normal tone of voice, because then Rude Person is confused as to whether you insulted him/her, or baby Jessica. If they do respond in kind, just keep shooting out random insults until they get exhausted. The more non-sequiturial (that is not a word) your rudeness is, the more quickly you will win.

PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE. Also easy, because as I said before, you ARE a pretentious person. So this again comes down to a battle, but rather than the battle of insults, it's the battle of obscure pseudo-intellectual references. Which again makes Radiohead a good example. So Pretentious Person says, "Did you know that Radiohead was originally called On A Friday?" Of course you know that. You love Radiohead! Stupid Pretentious Person. You respond, "Of course I did. But did YOU know that Jonny Greenwood composed the music for Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie, There Will Be Blood?" Which they probably did know, but only because they studied up on Radiohead before they came to meet you, knowing that a Radiohead conversation would transpire. However, you have impressed them with your obscure knowledge that not only mentions Radiohead, but also Paul Thomas Anderson, who is a HUGE favorite amongst pretentious folk.

But you already knew that... because you're pretentious. As am I, so I know from experience that if you get stumped in these types of conversations, the best tactic is to always change the topic to someone who is MORE obscure. Is the topic Radiohead? Change it to Sigur Ros (who came out with a new album and a DVD November 13th, just to give you a morsel to use). Is it Paul Thomas Anderson? Just bring up any obscure movie you can think of - PT has stolen from it (old Robert Altman movies are best). Think of pretentious talk like a word association game; then it just feels like fun!

SOCIALLY AWKWARD PEOPLE. Dude. They're socially awkward. They'll probably just be glad you're talking to them. On the other hand, this does not make them any less annoying. It makes them MORE annoying, because they're all simpering in the corner, hoping that someone will talk to them. Then, invariably, the first thing out of their mouths is, "HeyhowareyouI'mgreatIlovedoingstufflikethisdon'tyouyeahit'sgreatandIwouldtalktomorepeoplebutheytheyshouldcometomebecauseI'mthelifeoftheparty! [insert awkwardly loud laugh that lets you know they're making a joke.]" Because they have to say everything that they've rehearsed in one breath. Fucking social rejects.

The best response is to ask them a really uncomfortable question, like "How do you feel about the new study that says mothers like the smell of their own baby's poop?" Which, well, if you read that article, you'll know it's not QUITE that they like the smell of it... but you have enough ammo now to make them hasten for a quick exit. Socially awkward people do NOT want to talk about anything having to do with bodily functions. Feces will guarantee you freedom from social awkwardness for the rest of the night.

UGLY PEOPLE. Please. Just fucking walk away now, before you get infected by their ugly. Better yet, run! Or that ugly's gonna get you! RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Seriously. Ugly people don't even deserve your time. Maybe you're worried about the ugly people coming into your work? Kick them out. You don't want their ugly money anyway - it automatically uglifies your business. Until the government decides that we should put all of the ugly people in the Dakotas (I'm still waiting for that bill to go through Congress; who wants to start a petition?), I suggest just shunning the ugly.

STUPID PEOPLE. Sheesh. This group is the WORST for me. I'm beyond serious, and anyone that really knows me can agree. I'm just saying, you can be the sweetest person on the face of the planet, and if you're stupid, I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER. Unless you get magically smart... and magic is the only way that can happen, because stupid people are FUCKING STUPID. Guh. And I'm not talking book-smart, I'm talking common sense. All I'm asking is that you have AT LEAST a high school education, and the knowledge to not, I dunno, walk down a dark alley at night in the ghetto. I'm always amazed at the number of people who don't have street smarts - it fucking kills me.

Since I could write a whole blog about stupid people, let's move on. The problem with stupid people (besides the obvious one) is that they're probably in your circle of friends, so you can't just insult them outright and leave it at that. Stupid people are everywhere, and unlike ugly people, you can't just shun all of them. There are two ways to approach this problem. You can just randomly pull out big words that confuse them. This works, although if they're that particular brand of stupid, they'll ask you what every single word means, and I'm talking about asking the definition of "could" in "Experimenting with hydrogen molecules could prove to be of great importance for the future development of quantum computation." Because see, these type of stupid people, if they hear one big word, they figure it's a good time to ask about every word. I don't know why... probably because they're stupid. I mean, they know "the" and all those simple words, but anything beyond four letters, and this particular brand of Stupid Person is lost, so they start asking questions. And you're in a quagmire of FUCKED, because you just made up that sentence in hopes of confusing them. Seriously - do YOU know what the fuck that sentence means? I don't.

The other option is to continuously insult Stupid Person, but in a subtle way that will amuse you and your friends without hurting Stupid Person's feelings. This takes a LOT of fine-tuning, though, and you'll often half-heartedly exclaim "I'm just kidding!" while you figure out how to get this exactly right. Let me give you an example of a good insult. Stupid Person: "I just don't know why I have to know math. What good is it?" You: "I know! It's not like you'll ever have to add or subtract anything - McDonald's does all that for you." And they'll never know you just called them a McDonald's employee, because you started the sentence with what sounded like you were agreeing. And then, they'll be hungry for McDonald's, and offer to pay, and you'll get free food, plus extra opportunities to insult them.

Well, People Hater, I hope this has helped you deal with your infuriation. It has certainly helped me in the past. Just remember: when in doubt, find a way to entertain yourself. If all else fails, just fucking kill that asshole and dump him/her in the river. Then read my past blog on what to do if you kill someone.

Archive: "A broken foot."

(November 4, 2007)

To the naysayers - I do NOT make up these questions. People really do send them to me. I even paste them into my blog as written, so as to stay true to the questioner. As to whether the questions are sincere... not my problem. I just answer them. And if you have sent me a question, don't fret. I'll get to it.

there is a broken foot in my vag. what do i do? :(

Well... this is a hard question, because it is so vague. There are many ways for a broken foot to be in your vag, and for me to address all those instances would make for a long and unwieldy blog. So I'll try to hit the main points, and hopefully I'll answer your question adequately. If not, write back and BE MORE SPECIFIC. Vague questions just anger me. Now, on to some broken foot/vag possibilities...

1) The foot sex got agressive.

Perhaps you are a podophiliac (foot fetishist), and wanted to do some good ol' fashioned foot fucking. Or maybe the guy's dick wasn't as large as his big toe (if so, I am so so sorry). Or maybe you're a lesbian, and your strap-on/dildo/vibrator broke. Or maybe some other something that I'm not thinking of. Whatever the reasoning, let's move on to a solution.

If the foot is broken, and stuck, this causes me to assume that the entire foot is in your vagina. So the problem comes from a broken bone bent at an angle. I'm guessing that the pain is too excruciating for anyone to move (how you got to a computer to ask this question is something I don't want to think about). I'm also guessing that you're too embarrassed to call an ambulance. So your only solution is to reset the foot/ankle bone inside your vagina.

Normally, you would need anesthesia for resetting a bone, and you'd like to have two hands on the bone as well. However, this is obviously not a normal situation, so we'll try to work with what we've got.

First, try to get one hand around the broken bone or area. This might be difficult, especially since what's broken is actually inside your vagina. On the other hand, you did get an ENTIRE FOOT in, so I'm guessing your hand won't really hurt much. Next, put your other hand on the leg area closest to your vag, while still outside the vag. Before you do anything else, feel around the break and see if you can figure which direction the foot is in. When you reset it, you'll need to move it in the opposite way. Then, in quick succession: pull the foot into you and the leg out of you; pull the foot all the way out of your vagina; and push the foot back into the bone from which it broke. Your vagina should now be footless. As soon as this happens, find some way to make a splint for the broken foot. Often a pillow wrapped around the foot like a stirrup and then taped or tied with a bandage works well.

I'm betting there's a part of that which seems upsetting - the pulling of the foot out of the vagina. That's why you need to pull the foot away from the leg first. That excruciating pain (which is part of resetting) will distract the foot's owner long enough for you to manuever the foot out of your vag. If there's a bottle of liquor within reaching distance (and I bet there is, because that's how most people get sexy with feet), make the foot's owner drink as much as possible before the resetting/vag evacuation begins.

2) You have a severed foot in your vag.

I'm going to bypass the icky of this possibility, because my thoughts are endless. I mean, did you find this foot on the street? Did you purchase the foot? Did you cut off someone's foot? Where did this foot come from? How long was this foot severed? And why did you put it in your vag? More importantly, did you sterilize it before vag insertion? Because, for me, sterilization is much more necessary in a severed foot than in a foot still connected to a body. (Okay, I didn't really bypass the icky. But... so many questions!)

Again, we'll assume that you're not down for a hospital visit, so I'll try to help you in other ways. If the severed foot is still protruding out of your vagina, it should be fairly simple for you to yank it out. You did say it was stuck, so I'm betting it's gonna take quite a bit of tugging on your part. If you have access to something that'll numb your vag, I'd suggest using it. Again, liquor always helps. The other thing is a lubricant of some sort: KY, Vaseline, lotion, baby oil, Crisco... something that's slick. Careful on getting any of that inside your vag - Infection City will be founded up in there, and believe me when I say that you will NOT be mayor of that shit.

If the severed foot is all the way inside your vagina, then you have a problem. First of all, HOW?!?! Second of all, no seriously... HOW?!?!? Ahem. As far as I can tell, you're going to need something large and tweezer-like to get the foot out. Salad tongs might work. Also, having access to a speculum would be helpful, although I don't know many people who have those lying around.

Find a mirror that you can position in such a way as to have a good clear view of your vagina. Then, spread your labia as far apart as possible (which should be pretty far for you), and insert your hand into your vagina. Locate the foot, and with your spreader hand, grab the tweezer-like device. Insert the device into your vagina, grasp onto the foot, and hope for dear life that you can get that sucker out. With any luck, you should be able to at least move it to a place where you can get part of it out, and then just yank it all the way out.

Be aware that you should not just try to get the foot out with only your hand. That foot will be slippery, and so will your hand. The tweezer-like device will hopefully have enough grip action to help you. If you try to do it with only your hand, you run the risk of slipping, and getting that foot stuck even farther up your vag.

3) You broke someone's foot with your vag.

Good for you! They probably deserved it. Plus, they were obviously aiming for your vag, or else your vag wouldn't have been able to break the foot. Anyone who gives a vag kick deserves to have his/her foot broken. Asshole. And you've obviously been doing your Kegels, which means you're good in bed, so: BONUS! Nonetheless, we still have to get the foot out.

Essentially, you want to do the same procedure in possiblity 1, except that I'd knock the foot's owner unconscious. He/she probably doesn't like you much, and won't be very helpful in this situation. Also, you seem to have strong vaginal muscles, which means you might have some fighting to do with your vag in order to get the foot out. Your vag may feel that because she broke the foot, the foot is hers. My vagina is very possessive that way, so I understand. You just need to talk her down, promising some very nice sex later as a reward for all her hard work. After that, you should be good to go with resetting the bone. Even if you don't like the foot's owner, it is important for you to reset the bone, because it is actually a lot easier on your vagina than just pulling the foot out.

Whew! I think that covers the main possibilities. Hope you get that foot out!

Archive: "Ah... the first question!"

(October 8, 2007)

Dear Axe Tashina,
First of all, I've never written to an advice column before, but I just don't know how to solve this problem. Basically, I killed a man and now the police are after me. My location (somewhere in the midwest) is about equal distance from Mexico AND Canada. So my question is, which country should I choose to escape to?

signed,
Annonymous Killa

Dear Annonymous Killa,
First of all, either you spelled "anonymous" wrong, or your name Ann and you were just trying to be funny. Because if it's the first one, see my previous blog. If it's the second one, well... you're stupid.

Now. On to your question, which is a good one. I've thought about this myself, as I have been on the run from the law many times. You really do have a couple of options here which are quite viable. I will first tell you, though, that Mexico is a TERRIBLE idea. Everyone thinks, "Shit, I broke the law - I should run to Mexico!" No. There are multiple movies that might make you think this is a good idea (The Chase with the incomparable Charlie Sheen is my favorite), but they are MOVIES, and should not inform your life decisions. I've gotten movies confused with my life before, and it always leads to disaster. Anyway, if you go to Mexico, you'll either get raped by a gang of tequila-soaked fratboys, thrown in a Mexican jail (which is fun until "trague la salmuera" starts...), or roped in with a bunch of illegal immigrants trying to get into the U.S. With the last one, you always end up at some farm in Baja, California, and then some wise-ass co-worker of yours starts to learn English and turns you into the police for a reward. All of these things have happened to me, which is why I will never set foot in Mexico again.

Canada, on the other hand, is completely possible. You have the advantage of no one ever escaping to Canada after a horrible crime, which makes it highly unlikely for you to be followed. Even if your face is plastered all over the border, Canadians are too busy tending to their elk and moose to even notice. Canadian border patrol is filled with people of the lowest I.Q. Extra bonus? Everyone else in Canada is super-smart. Seriously. After they legalized marijuana, Canadian scientists developed a strain of cannibus that raises I.Q. Now, it's law that everyone between the ages of 15 and 30 ingest this super-pot at least once a week. Of course, others can use it as well, but the law is just there to make sure people ARE actually using it. There's drug tests for it and everything. Crazy, right? Anyway, the point is, Canada's good.

The Canada idea will only work if you already have a passport, though. There is another option, particularly if you are situated in the Midwest right now: stay there. "Wait," you're thinking, "aren't I more likely to be caught if I stay in the States?" Not necessarily. See, no one gives a shit about the Midwest, other than people living in the Midwest. If you do this right, you could live your whole life never being caught. You just need to find/build yourself a cabin in a wooded area, preferably near a town that you can get to for necessities. And... that's it. Now I will tell you, do NOT pull a Ted Kaczinski. You'll feel yourself go a little stir-crazy, and naturally, that feeling will incite you to write a manifesto full of conspiracy theories. You can still do that - but do not send it to people, and do not send bombs to people. That's how the police catch you. Also, do not kidnap people, kill them, then eat them. That's how Jeffrey Dahmer got caught too. If you feel the need to kill again, do so in a simple fashion, preferably one that can look like an accident. Then, you'll be fine. The nice thing about the Midwest solution is that your friends can still visit you. Make sure that these friends have no problem with the killing, though, or you might end up showing your hiding place to a snitch. If you invite friends to your cabin, and you're afraid they might tell, see above re: killing.

I hope this helped. If you choose the Midwest option, look me up; I chose that one too!