Archive: "Ah... the first question!"

(October 8, 2007)

Dear Axe Tashina,
First of all, I've never written to an advice column before, but I just don't know how to solve this problem. Basically, I killed a man and now the police are after me. My location (somewhere in the midwest) is about equal distance from Mexico AND Canada. So my question is, which country should I choose to escape to?

signed,
Annonymous Killa

Dear Annonymous Killa,
First of all, either you spelled "anonymous" wrong, or your name Ann and you were just trying to be funny. Because if it's the first one, see my previous blog. If it's the second one, well... you're stupid.

Now. On to your question, which is a good one. I've thought about this myself, as I have been on the run from the law many times. You really do have a couple of options here which are quite viable. I will first tell you, though, that Mexico is a TERRIBLE idea. Everyone thinks, "Shit, I broke the law - I should run to Mexico!" No. There are multiple movies that might make you think this is a good idea (The Chase with the incomparable Charlie Sheen is my favorite), but they are MOVIES, and should not inform your life decisions. I've gotten movies confused with my life before, and it always leads to disaster. Anyway, if you go to Mexico, you'll either get raped by a gang of tequila-soaked fratboys, thrown in a Mexican jail (which is fun until "trague la salmuera" starts...), or roped in with a bunch of illegal immigrants trying to get into the U.S. With the last one, you always end up at some farm in Baja, California, and then some wise-ass co-worker of yours starts to learn English and turns you into the police for a reward. All of these things have happened to me, which is why I will never set foot in Mexico again.

Canada, on the other hand, is completely possible. You have the advantage of no one ever escaping to Canada after a horrible crime, which makes it highly unlikely for you to be followed. Even if your face is plastered all over the border, Canadians are too busy tending to their elk and moose to even notice. Canadian border patrol is filled with people of the lowest I.Q. Extra bonus? Everyone else in Canada is super-smart. Seriously. After they legalized marijuana, Canadian scientists developed a strain of cannibus that raises I.Q. Now, it's law that everyone between the ages of 15 and 30 ingest this super-pot at least once a week. Of course, others can use it as well, but the law is just there to make sure people ARE actually using it. There's drug tests for it and everything. Crazy, right? Anyway, the point is, Canada's good.

The Canada idea will only work if you already have a passport, though. There is another option, particularly if you are situated in the Midwest right now: stay there. "Wait," you're thinking, "aren't I more likely to be caught if I stay in the States?" Not necessarily. See, no one gives a shit about the Midwest, other than people living in the Midwest. If you do this right, you could live your whole life never being caught. You just need to find/build yourself a cabin in a wooded area, preferably near a town that you can get to for necessities. And... that's it. Now I will tell you, do NOT pull a Ted Kaczinski. You'll feel yourself go a little stir-crazy, and naturally, that feeling will incite you to write a manifesto full of conspiracy theories. You can still do that - but do not send it to people, and do not send bombs to people. That's how the police catch you. Also, do not kidnap people, kill them, then eat them. That's how Jeffrey Dahmer got caught too. If you feel the need to kill again, do so in a simple fashion, preferably one that can look like an accident. Then, you'll be fine. The nice thing about the Midwest solution is that your friends can still visit you. Make sure that these friends have no problem with the killing, though, or you might end up showing your hiding place to a snitch. If you invite friends to your cabin, and you're afraid they might tell, see above re: killing.

I hope this helped. If you choose the Midwest option, look me up; I chose that one too!