(May 25, 2008)
i like milk, but there are so many choices. please illuminate us on the pros and cons of the following: cow milk, goat milk, soy milk, rice milk, human milk. which do you prefer?
sincerely,
texas lactater
Dear Lacty,
Um. I don't know how to tell you this... I mean, I like you. I think you're really great (no, I do!), but there's something I've never said, and I guess now is the time. Man, this is harder than I thought. See... well, it's just that... guh. Okay. I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I hate milk.
Hey! That wasn't so bad. I mean, maybe it was for you. Maybe now you and I can't be friends, Lacty, because you love milk so much. But I think that milk's fucking gross and I judge all people that love milk. Loving milk just means that you secretly yearn for your mommie's tit all the time, which either makes you a baby or a pedophile. Okay, I don't know how it makes you a pedophile, but it sounded good at the time. (And by "at the time," I mean 5 seconds ago. My mind moves at warp speed - it must be the lack of milk in my life.)
Let me be clear here. While I do have a slight lactose intolerance - which, according some of my friends who are assholes, EVERYONE does to a certain extent - I don't hate dairy. I love ice cream, I like sharp cheeses, I've eaten a yogurt or two in my day ("in my day"? who says that? I'm 87), and... well, I guess that's really it. I mean, you offer me cream cheese, and I'll offer you a punch in the genitals. Same for cottage cheese, and butter - although I don't know if butter's really in the dairy family. I always put it in the "that's fucking disgusting and really you're just eating PURE FAT and does it even give the food that much more flavor? Because the only flavor I get from it is GROSS" family. But that's me. You know what I hate more than milk? Butter. And yet, ironically, I love buttermilk pancakes. Sigh. What a conflicted life I live. (And if you were wondering [you were, don't lie], I do NOT put butter on my buttermilk pancakes. That shit makes me want to vomit.)
Anyway. Milk. Right.
Unfortunately, my hatred of milk is gonna come back to bite me in the ass when I get older. And by "bite me in the ass" I mean "break my bones into a thousand little pieces until I'm literally an old bag of bones." (Sidenote [what? me, with a sidenote?]: I'm all about quotations today. And you love it, I know. I can see it in your face. You're sitting there, with your big glass of milk, enjoying my quotation marks. And I'm gagging because you're drinking a glass of milk.) So it's good that you like milk, Lacty. After I got over my initial disgust of your question, I then delved a little deeper. Goat milk? That's weird. (Human milk, not so much. See above, re: baby/pedophile reference. I think everyone would drink human milk their whole lives if they could. Fucking freaks.)
But then I looked up milk. And? It's strange to Google just the word "milk." Because who does that? It's also weird to read a Wikipedia page on milk. Because... it's milk. What's there to know? And the Wiki page is pretty hilarious: "Milk is an opaque white liquid produced by the mammary glands of female mammals." I mean... obvis. Who needs Wikipedia to tell them that? More importantly, WHY did I feel the need to Google milk? I hate milk. See, this is what Axe Tashina does to me. It turns my perfectionism into a sick, twisted game of weird Googling.
But I digress. The point is, there are TONS of animals besides cows that give up the milk (and by "give up," I mean "get tortured by weird nipple-sucking machines that would never work if we all drank human milk because no person in their right mind would be okay with being hooked up to a breast pump for 8 hours a day") for human consumption. Let's look at the list:
Goat
Sheep
Buffalo
Water buffalo
Horse
Donkey
Camel
Yak
Reindeer
Zebra
Moose (in Russia and Sweden)
DUDE. What the fuck? And, I didn't know that reindeer were a real animal. I thought it was just deer, and then reindeer were what Santa's deer were called. Thanks, Wiki! (Also, I am dumb.)
Anyway, the point is that there are A LOT of weird-ass animal milks out there. So milk lovers can try out funky milk shit to their heart's content. I'm sure you can get all of them at World Market or something. Fucking World Market. That place is too cultured for my taste. I like everything homogenized and name-branded. I heart Corporate America - which has to be capitalized, and I'd put the little "TM" thing after it if I knew how to do that. And actually, I hate corporate america (take that, Corporate America! oh, I just made my head hurt), and what cracks me up about places like World Market and Whole Foods is that people think they're making a difference by going to those places when they're really just a more expensive version of corporate bullshit. What, you think they made themselves into conglomerates by hugging trees and giving away free puppies? I don't think so. THEY ARE CORPORATIONS. Just like WalMart, and Target (I love Target!), and all that other shit that hippy dippy World Market shoppers claim to hate.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah... milk. Blech.
You know what? I'm over milk. Not that I was ever about milk in the first place, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I hope that my extensive (read: NOT EXTENSIVE) research on the pros and cons of milk helped you, Lacty. As in, figure it out for yourself, because otherwise I'm gonna throw month-old milk at you. And we all know that it'll be hardened and sour smelling, and it'll be really hard to get that out of your hair. I'm just sayin'. Don't bring your crazy-ass milk fixations to me, and then expect me to still respect you in the morning. I don't. I totally just let you do that one thing to me because I'm lonely, and even though you're fucked up, you're pretty cute, and I don't know what I was doing it was just a one night stand and oh god you're still here and now you won't leave and you want me to make you breakfast but I don't cook look I don't even have any food in my fridge and now you want MILK!?!?! I can't handle it. It's not you, it's me. No, just kidding. It's totally you. Take your goat milk and your portable momma's titty and move on down the road. My neighbor's really into some weird shit.
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