(January 20, 2008)
I first had the subject line as "I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!" But that has nothing to do with this question. I just loved There Will Be Blood. Go see it. And start drinking people's milkshakes.
ANYWAY. On to the question.
Dear Axe Tashina,
as a young boy i was exposed to a film by my uncle which portrayed vaginas as having teeth. after the man came, her vagina sprouted teeth and almost bit his penis off. i have been afraid that they really do have teeth for a long time. eventually i was assured they don't. i was then exposed to this movie trailer (EDIT: there was a movie trailer in the original post, but I'm not taking the time to find it and re-post it).
now i do not know what to believe. the question is Do Vaginas have teeth? and is there a correlation between the event that scarred my childhood and my blatant homosexuality.
scared far from Straight,
Bloo
First of all, I don't know what this movie is that you saw as a child. I've searched for it... and IMDB just keeps giving me The Thing (heh). I saw that movie, and I don't remember any biting vaginas. Hmmm. There's also a German movie, but I think that's some kind of weird art-porn. Which... well, if your uncle was showing you that, I think we know that it wasn't JUST the munching vag that scared you gay. Also, although I absolutely want to go see Teeth (the movie on the trailer above), there was a movie that came out a couple of years ago called Angst (although IMDB calls is "Penetration Angst", and I now officially hate IMDB - kidding. I totally love IMDB, because I am a movie nerd. Sometimes I go on IMDB just to "hang out," as in I look up movies I love, or movies I've just watched, or movies I've never seen, and I read about them. I hate my life.) that went straight to video, also about a killer vag. I never saw it - it looked terrible. Nonetheless, our culture seems to be very interested in the dreaded vagina dentata (Latin for "vagina with teeth," or in Latina slang, "crunching cunt").
Despite what you might think, vagina dentata is a myth. A few years ago, I was doing research for Blank Line when I came across a Native American myth (it's always the fucking Indians - damn my people!) about it. I'm paraphrasing, but here's the basic story: There was a beautiful girl who couldn't get married because her father would kill any suitor that came across their doorstep, or teepee entrance, or whatever the fuck Indians had as doorsteps back in the day. So a big, strong warrior from another town (... you know, the Indian towns. Scalps City, Mohawk You Like a Hurricane, Sit On My Faceville...) came and defeated the father. The girl and the warrior got married, and as they lay on their wedding bed (and this is where you KNOW it's a myth, because that warrior was getting pussy everywhere, and he wouldn't just shack up with some ho who wouldn't put out before the wedding), the warrior noticed some chompers where there shouldn't be chompers. So... how to get down to brass tax? (I don't even know what that euphemism is - but you know what I'm saying.) The warrior solved the problem by shoving his wooden club (!) in her poonanny (!!!), and as her dentated vagina ate some wood (I... don't know. Also, heh.), the teeth began to fall out. Once the girl's labia looked like my grandma's mouth after she takes out her dentures (I just grossed myself out with that one), the girl and the warrior went to town. On each other.
There are variations from tribe to tribe on this myth. One has it where there's 3 sisters, and they're hot, but they keep killing their suitors with the vag teeth. 2 of the sisters turn into blood-thirsty whores (of course), but one remains pure (really? then how did she figure out her vag was biting off dicks?) until a warrior comes along and suggests the wood solution. Another calls the vaginally dentated woman the Terrible Mother, and it's just like a huge biting vagina with legs. And that mental image frightens me to no end.
I realize that it's a little weird how I have a wealth of vagina dentata knowledge. It's the Cherokee in me; we're like, born with dentata fascination. Although... YIKES. Those myths are fucking scary. And? If I DID have a toothy vag, I would certainly NOT allow someone to shove what is essentially a fucking baseball bat up my hole. I don't care about ANY penis that much. I mean, really. Was there anything, oh, I don't know, SMALLER than that to put in her crotch? Seriously. A fucking wooden club. Fuck off, warrior man. Let me pull this stick out my cooter and hit you in the fucking face with it. Fucking jag-off. Not to mention the splinters. If you want the teeth off, find something that's not gonna make my lady parts look like the hands of a wood carver.
Plus, if the vagina is a muncher, does that mean that after it has no teeth, it just gums at your penis? And would that be a good thing or a bad thing? I wonder how that affects her orgasms. I mean, let's say she was masturbating (pre-warrior man time). HOW? When does the biting commence? Would it be like, she touches her clit and the thing activates? My brain hurts from trying to figure it out (because in my world, "how would she masturbate?" is the most important question). That lady wouldn't have to do her Kegels, that's for sure.
But back to the question, although I could go on for days about vagina dentata. (It's crazy! There's so much about it! I'm gonna Google it right after I'm done with this. For real.) I think what turned you gay is your own damn gay self, Bloo. With or without vagina dentata, you would have been a big, flaming homosexual. I'm guessing the image of a killer vag didn't really help, but I'm also guessing you were more worried about the poor guy's mutilated dick than you were the possibility of you coming in contact with the dentata. You? Vaginas? Not friends. That friendship's been off since you came out of your mother's vag. It's okay; vaginas aren't mad, they just want their CDs back.
One last thing: ladies, if you have teeth on your vagina, it means that you have a cyst, or worse, a tumor. Go get that shit checked out. Seriously.
Oh, and this: someone invented an anti-rape female condom which is lined with microscopic barbs that attach to the rapist's penis and has to be surgically removed. I won't even go into how that would work, except... do you have to wear it all the time? Maybe just the idea that it's out there is enough to scare rapists.
ANYWAY. On to the question.
Dear Axe Tashina,
as a young boy i was exposed to a film by my uncle which portrayed vaginas as having teeth. after the man came, her vagina sprouted teeth and almost bit his penis off. i have been afraid that they really do have teeth for a long time. eventually i was assured they don't. i was then exposed to this movie trailer (EDIT: there was a movie trailer in the original post, but I'm not taking the time to find it and re-post it).
now i do not know what to believe. the question is Do Vaginas have teeth? and is there a correlation between the event that scarred my childhood and my blatant homosexuality.
scared far from Straight,
Bloo
First of all, I don't know what this movie is that you saw as a child. I've searched for it... and IMDB just keeps giving me The Thing (heh). I saw that movie, and I don't remember any biting vaginas. Hmmm. There's also a German movie, but I think that's some kind of weird art-porn. Which... well, if your uncle was showing you that, I think we know that it wasn't JUST the munching vag that scared you gay. Also, although I absolutely want to go see Teeth (the movie on the trailer above), there was a movie that came out a couple of years ago called Angst (although IMDB calls is "Penetration Angst", and I now officially hate IMDB - kidding. I totally love IMDB, because I am a movie nerd. Sometimes I go on IMDB just to "hang out," as in I look up movies I love, or movies I've just watched, or movies I've never seen, and I read about them. I hate my life.) that went straight to video, also about a killer vag. I never saw it - it looked terrible. Nonetheless, our culture seems to be very interested in the dreaded vagina dentata (Latin for "vagina with teeth," or in Latina slang, "crunching cunt").
Despite what you might think, vagina dentata is a myth. A few years ago, I was doing research for Blank Line when I came across a Native American myth (it's always the fucking Indians - damn my people!) about it. I'm paraphrasing, but here's the basic story: There was a beautiful girl who couldn't get married because her father would kill any suitor that came across their doorstep, or teepee entrance, or whatever the fuck Indians had as doorsteps back in the day. So a big, strong warrior from another town (... you know, the Indian towns. Scalps City, Mohawk You Like a Hurricane, Sit On My Faceville...) came and defeated the father. The girl and the warrior got married, and as they lay on their wedding bed (and this is where you KNOW it's a myth, because that warrior was getting pussy everywhere, and he wouldn't just shack up with some ho who wouldn't put out before the wedding), the warrior noticed some chompers where there shouldn't be chompers. So... how to get down to brass tax? (I don't even know what that euphemism is - but you know what I'm saying.) The warrior solved the problem by shoving his wooden club (!) in her poonanny (!!!), and as her dentated vagina ate some wood (I... don't know. Also, heh.), the teeth began to fall out. Once the girl's labia looked like my grandma's mouth after she takes out her dentures (I just grossed myself out with that one), the girl and the warrior went to town. On each other.
There are variations from tribe to tribe on this myth. One has it where there's 3 sisters, and they're hot, but they keep killing their suitors with the vag teeth. 2 of the sisters turn into blood-thirsty whores (of course), but one remains pure (really? then how did she figure out her vag was biting off dicks?) until a warrior comes along and suggests the wood solution. Another calls the vaginally dentated woman the Terrible Mother, and it's just like a huge biting vagina with legs. And that mental image frightens me to no end.
I realize that it's a little weird how I have a wealth of vagina dentata knowledge. It's the Cherokee in me; we're like, born with dentata fascination. Although... YIKES. Those myths are fucking scary. And? If I DID have a toothy vag, I would certainly NOT allow someone to shove what is essentially a fucking baseball bat up my hole. I don't care about ANY penis that much. I mean, really. Was there anything, oh, I don't know, SMALLER than that to put in her crotch? Seriously. A fucking wooden club. Fuck off, warrior man. Let me pull this stick out my cooter and hit you in the fucking face with it. Fucking jag-off. Not to mention the splinters. If you want the teeth off, find something that's not gonna make my lady parts look like the hands of a wood carver.
Plus, if the vagina is a muncher, does that mean that after it has no teeth, it just gums at your penis? And would that be a good thing or a bad thing? I wonder how that affects her orgasms. I mean, let's say she was masturbating (pre-warrior man time). HOW? When does the biting commence? Would it be like, she touches her clit and the thing activates? My brain hurts from trying to figure it out (because in my world, "how would she masturbate?" is the most important question). That lady wouldn't have to do her Kegels, that's for sure.
But back to the question, although I could go on for days about vagina dentata. (It's crazy! There's so much about it! I'm gonna Google it right after I'm done with this. For real.) I think what turned you gay is your own damn gay self, Bloo. With or without vagina dentata, you would have been a big, flaming homosexual. I'm guessing the image of a killer vag didn't really help, but I'm also guessing you were more worried about the poor guy's mutilated dick than you were the possibility of you coming in contact with the dentata. You? Vaginas? Not friends. That friendship's been off since you came out of your mother's vag. It's okay; vaginas aren't mad, they just want their CDs back.
One last thing: ladies, if you have teeth on your vagina, it means that you have a cyst, or worse, a tumor. Go get that shit checked out. Seriously.
Oh, and this: someone invented an anti-rape female condom which is lined with microscopic barbs that attach to the rapist's penis and has to be surgically removed. I won't even go into how that would work, except... do you have to wear it all the time? Maybe just the idea that it's out there is enough to scare rapists.
No comments:
Post a Comment