Peeing in church is a slippery issue.

Look! A new one! I'm gonna start posting old ones too, since I'm bad at doing new ones. Plus, MySpace sucks.

Axe Tashina,
I am single white male who was recently laid-off from my job as a Sunday school teacher of 15 years. Never married, no kids, no smoke/drink. As of late I have been yearning for some companionship in my middle years. I've been thinking placing and responding to personal adds on web site called craigslist. I came across this promising add and wanted your opinion...

"Princess Pee-body seeks her Prince Albert to "shower" you with my affections. Please be +8" & hight/weight prop d/d free. Send pics of face and tool(s) (I prefer your hardware to be stainless steel for my hygiene). For your enjoyment i only use Lipton/Snapple/GrannieB teas. Let me know which taste you prefer.

Looking forward to our "golden" moment,
P.P."

I'm not much of a sweet-tea drinker and I know I'm a little old fashioned but the Idea of a Princess seeking her Prince sounds very romantic to me. I also think her use of the word "shower" is such a beautiful metaphor for passion! I wonder if she needs a bit of handy work around the house if she is interested in my tools? Forgive my ignorance but what could she want me to build that is +8" in height and weight?

So what are your thoughts and could this be a match made in heaven?

Always remember: Watch for the grace of the lord and you'll have a blessed day,
Courting Your Experience in Casual Encounters


CYECE? CYEiCE? Oh how I wish your name acronymed into something awesome,

First off – are you actually courting my experience? As in, do you want a casual encounter with me first? Before you meet up with the Peeing Princess? That’s weird and uncomfortable… although that doesn’t mean I’m completely against it. I’m always down for weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, on to your dilemma. I… don’t even know where to begin. Did years of Sunday school make you forget everything you learned in ACTUAL school? “Pee,” “golden shower”… I mean, I don’t know how to help you there. Oh wait – I do. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT URINE. Gross. Who even thought that up as a sexual thing? “Hey, I know our sex has gotten a little stagnant – wanna try a little peeing?” Talk about stagnant! (And what I mean by that is that stagnant water can give you a staph infection, and I just assume pee could give you one too. But I have no evidence to back that up. I just wanted to have a “Talk about [word]!” statement there. Which is stupid, I guess. But now I’ve written it, and a long diatribe on why I wrote it, so there’s no going back now.) But yeah – peeing is gross. I mean, not as a regular bodily function. That’s life, everyone pees. But never in my life have I thought about peeing on someone… except that one time. Oh, and that other time. And every time I’m angry at someone. But it’s never a sexual thing! I save poop for that. I mean, at least that something you can really dig your hands into. (And… ew. I just grossed myself out. Well done, me.)

Now, I could really answer all your questions, CYECE, but I’m just going to tell you to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY BITCH. Unless you’re into crazy bitch. God knows (oops, sorry) that you’re used to them from Sunday school. But let’s not get into a religious discussion. I usually just make people angry when that happens.

No, my real issue is with “prop d/d free”. WHAT does that mean? Oh, I guess “d/d” means disease and drug. But what’s a prop? Like your dick? ONLY the dick has to be disease and drug free? Hello, mouth herpes! And why would you need to use abbreviations anyway, when it’s not a personal ad that charges by the letter. You can just write it all out. Sure, Craigslist might delete it, but I’m sure they could decipher it anyway and delete it later. What a dumb, crazy bitch. Also, WHAT is the stainless steel for? Do the teas you drink really matter!? This crazy bitch is making my head hurt.

I just realized how much I’ve written “crazy bitch.” Which… I guess, not that much. Still – I think I’ve proven my point. (Or is it proved? Is proved even a word? I have no idea. My grammar is no longer working for me.)

The point is that you should go back to church and find someone who is, as Ludacris says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” See, if you’re looking for someone who has the kink in them, it’s better to find them in some social setting where you see something normal first. NEVER go to Craig’s List to find someone. You always want to find someone who seems nice and calm on the inside, so that you can peel them like an onion later… and by that I mean that we’re all layers of crazy that make others cry. Don’t you want to cry at someone’s layers slowly? See, with Craig’s List, you get all the crazy upfront, which makes for a quick (and surprisingly, boring) relationship. In order to have a long-lasting relationship, it’s important to get attached to someone, and THEN realize their insanity too late in the game for you to get out of it.

Hope that makes sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sorry… churchies get me confused and weepy, and when I cry on my computer, the grammar function makes my stuff go bad. And by “my stuff,” I mean “my sentences.” Not my vagina. Although bad grammar does make my vagina really angry.