Re-post: Happy HO-lidays!

Here's an old question from a few Christmases ago. Enjoy! And don't forget to get drunk this season!


Dear Axe Tashina,
I've seen and heard a number of things regarding Santa and his "hos." I think it's a disgrace to the whole idea of santa... the REAL meaning of christmas. Nevermind that Jesus shit, right? What do you think about this Santa business and is the political correctness gone too far?

I hope I don't hear any Santas saying "ha ha ha" in the future. I'll only think he's taunting me with his superiority over the elves.

Sincerely,
Santa is really my daddy

Dear Daddy Issues,
Okay, there are a lot of questions going on here. Well, there's really only one actual question, plus a rhetorical question, and then some grandstanding about Santa. Get off your Santa soapbox and just enjoy the magic of the holidays.

But let's get down to the real topic at hand: hoes. Everyone knows that Santa's elves are also his hoes, thus Santa calling of choice: "ho ho ho". See, he tried to be polite, and call the elves by name; after all, it worked well with his reindeer! (Except for Rudolph - that needy piece of shit wanted a whole fucking song written for him before he'd harness himself to that sleigh. If it hadn't been foggy, Santa would have just said "Fuck it" and stuck with the original twelve. As it is, Rudolph still gets made fun of in his song, so Santa got a little payback for having to grovel for that meth-addled freak of a reindeer. What, you thought that red nose was a birth defect? But I digress...) The problem with the elves, though, is that there were thousands of them. Santa didn't want to have to call each of them by name, plus he's old, so he hadn't learned a new name since "Blitzen." As he was thinking about how to solve this elf problem, his wife kindly reminded him of her Elf Brothel, and her fool-proof way of rounding up the elfstitutes when she needed their money. (Okay, so Mrs. Claus didn't remind Santa nicely, because that bitch is RUDE.) And thus, "ho ho ho" became a mainstay in Santa's lexicon.

So I don't think we have to worry about Santa changing it to "ha ha ha" because, first, that's stupid, and second, the elves wouldn't come a-running. Running elves equal hot elf bodies, which equals more money for the Elf Brothel. So never fear, young one, you will always have some "ho ho ho" in your life. Which is what I think everyone needs for the holidays.

How much do you kind of want to see a midget porn about the Elf Brothel? I'm all wet just thinking about it. Or that could just be the midget who is going down on me right now. Which is awkward, because I'm at work, and ladies are shopping for clothes. Oh, if only I had a midget to service each of them! Wait - now THAT'S the porn I want to see.

As for political correctness, I think all that's a bunch of horseshit. The last time I was politically correct, whiteys were calling darkies "colored folk." That being said, I'm not gonna shove my Santa love in everyone's faces. If they wanna love Hannukah Harry, or Kwanzaa Kameka, fine by me. Keep your Jesus out of it, though. That dude just creeps me out. Magical babies? No thanks. I don't need no baby telling me what's what - the damn thing can't even talk yet!

You know, what's weird is that if Jesus showed up today and walked on water or turned water into wine (what's his problem with water? leave that shit alone, Jesus), we'd put him in a mental institution. Where he belongs, because he CRAZY. Plus, the loony bin could probably use a little more Jesus in its life. I'm just sayin'.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand all my Christian friends are forsaking me. Right now. Don't forsake me! Do like Jesus says, and turn the other cheek. Also, don't look behind you, because I'm shoving an inanimate object in your ass. It might be a curling iron, it might be a bottle of wine, or it might be my fist.

Happy holidays!

Peeing in church is a slippery issue.

Look! A new one! I'm gonna start posting old ones too, since I'm bad at doing new ones. Plus, MySpace sucks.

Axe Tashina,
I am single white male who was recently laid-off from my job as a Sunday school teacher of 15 years. Never married, no kids, no smoke/drink. As of late I have been yearning for some companionship in my middle years. I've been thinking placing and responding to personal adds on web site called craigslist. I came across this promising add and wanted your opinion...

"Princess Pee-body seeks her Prince Albert to "shower" you with my affections. Please be +8" & hight/weight prop d/d free. Send pics of face and tool(s) (I prefer your hardware to be stainless steel for my hygiene). For your enjoyment i only use Lipton/Snapple/GrannieB teas. Let me know which taste you prefer.

Looking forward to our "golden" moment,
P.P."

I'm not much of a sweet-tea drinker and I know I'm a little old fashioned but the Idea of a Princess seeking her Prince sounds very romantic to me. I also think her use of the word "shower" is such a beautiful metaphor for passion! I wonder if she needs a bit of handy work around the house if she is interested in my tools? Forgive my ignorance but what could she want me to build that is +8" in height and weight?

So what are your thoughts and could this be a match made in heaven?

Always remember: Watch for the grace of the lord and you'll have a blessed day,
Courting Your Experience in Casual Encounters


CYECE? CYEiCE? Oh how I wish your name acronymed into something awesome,

First off – are you actually courting my experience? As in, do you want a casual encounter with me first? Before you meet up with the Peeing Princess? That’s weird and uncomfortable… although that doesn’t mean I’m completely against it. I’m always down for weird and uncomfortable.

Anyway, on to your dilemma. I… don’t even know where to begin. Did years of Sunday school make you forget everything you learned in ACTUAL school? “Pee,” “golden shower”… I mean, I don’t know how to help you there. Oh wait – I do. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT URINE. Gross. Who even thought that up as a sexual thing? “Hey, I know our sex has gotten a little stagnant – wanna try a little peeing?” Talk about stagnant! (And what I mean by that is that stagnant water can give you a staph infection, and I just assume pee could give you one too. But I have no evidence to back that up. I just wanted to have a “Talk about [word]!” statement there. Which is stupid, I guess. But now I’ve written it, and a long diatribe on why I wrote it, so there’s no going back now.) But yeah – peeing is gross. I mean, not as a regular bodily function. That’s life, everyone pees. But never in my life have I thought about peeing on someone… except that one time. Oh, and that other time. And every time I’m angry at someone. But it’s never a sexual thing! I save poop for that. I mean, at least that something you can really dig your hands into. (And… ew. I just grossed myself out. Well done, me.)

Now, I could really answer all your questions, CYECE, but I’m just going to tell you to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY BITCH. Unless you’re into crazy bitch. God knows (oops, sorry) that you’re used to them from Sunday school. But let’s not get into a religious discussion. I usually just make people angry when that happens.

No, my real issue is with “prop d/d free”. WHAT does that mean? Oh, I guess “d/d” means disease and drug. But what’s a prop? Like your dick? ONLY the dick has to be disease and drug free? Hello, mouth herpes! And why would you need to use abbreviations anyway, when it’s not a personal ad that charges by the letter. You can just write it all out. Sure, Craigslist might delete it, but I’m sure they could decipher it anyway and delete it later. What a dumb, crazy bitch. Also, WHAT is the stainless steel for? Do the teas you drink really matter!? This crazy bitch is making my head hurt.

I just realized how much I’ve written “crazy bitch.” Which… I guess, not that much. Still – I think I’ve proven my point. (Or is it proved? Is proved even a word? I have no idea. My grammar is no longer working for me.)

The point is that you should go back to church and find someone who is, as Ludacris says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” See, if you’re looking for someone who has the kink in them, it’s better to find them in some social setting where you see something normal first. NEVER go to Craig’s List to find someone. You always want to find someone who seems nice and calm on the inside, so that you can peel them like an onion later… and by that I mean that we’re all layers of crazy that make others cry. Don’t you want to cry at someone’s layers slowly? See, with Craig’s List, you get all the crazy upfront, which makes for a quick (and surprisingly, boring) relationship. In order to have a long-lasting relationship, it’s important to get attached to someone, and THEN realize their insanity too late in the game for you to get out of it.

Hope that makes sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sorry… churchies get me confused and weepy, and when I cry on my computer, the grammar function makes my stuff go bad. And by “my stuff,” I mean “my sentences.” Not my vagina. Although bad grammar does make my vagina really angry.

Cock love.

Dear Axe Tashina,

I was envolved in my first three-some in college. i think i fell in love with one of the guys who was shoving his cock in my mouth, but i forgot what his face looks like. should i go around to all the guys i met that night and just ask to see their cocks, or is there a better way?

sincerly,
Candy the Cumdumpster

Candy,

First of all, it's "involved," not "envolved." I realize it must be hard to type properly, what with all the cocks you apparently get shoved into your mouth, but I figure a little spelling lesson never hurt anyone. Also, I'd like to think that "envolved" means something else... something like "enveloped" but better. Like maybe your mouth envolved his cock. Where envolved is the dirty version of enveloped. Or something.

This is all not the point. Moving on...

My biggest question is: "When was this threesome?" However, I obviously can't get an answer for that, so I'll try to address your problem as best I can.

The main problem is that you can't fall in love with some guy if you don't remember his face. Now, you CAN fall in love with some guy's cock... but that's a different kind of love. The love of a cock is an undescribable thing. Can you touch a rainbow? Can you count all the clouds in the sky? Can you adopt all the puppies in the world? Can you feed every starving child? It's the same thing - you cannot explain cock love. It doesn't mean you can't know it, or embrace it, or envolve yourself in it. It's just impossible to put into words. I wrote a poem about it once, but after the 19th page, I realized it was pointless and that I was only frustrating myself - and craving cock in an unhealthy way.

But no, that's not your problem. YOUR problem is that you think, just because you loved a cock, that means you love a guy. You stupid fucking cumdumpster. You are the reason that males are afraid of vaginas. You think the reason that guy shoved his dick in your mouth is because HE LOVED YOU?!?! No. He did it because you think that fucking equals love, so he thought, "Hey, if I fuck this chick with someone else, and then I don't actually put it in her pussy, maybe she'll get that this isn't anything having to do with emotion." Lemme guess - if he did fuck you, he threw it in your ass. Right? That's not love - that's him fucking you over.

So if you loved his cock so much, then yes you should go around looking for that one special cock. But if you think you're REALLY in love with him, then go find some weak boy to fuck while you get over your dumb girl feelings. Eventually, you'll fuck enough people that you won't have any love left in your heart. That's when you'll know you're a real person. After all, it worked for me.

Starting up again...

So.

I lurve "Axe Tashina." People no longer love MySpace. Thus, mi blogre. (Fine, it's not Spanish... but what is "blog" in Spanish?) I'll transfer it here. Here's my previous description:

What is "Axe Tashina"? Think of it as a "Dear Abby" or any other terrible advice column you might come across. Any question you ask, I'll have an answer for it. It may not be the right answer, but it'll be an answer, and you'll feel better afterwards.

Lemme break down the name for you. "Axe" comes from the idea of "ask," except with a ghetto vibe to it. Instead of ghettoizing the spelling, however, I wanted to give it an air of pretentiousness. So although it's pronounced ghetto, it's spelled pretentiously. Like me: ghetto and pretentious. Get it? Now, before any ethnic folk start cramming political correctness down my throat, allow me to remind you. My first name is Tashina. My middle name is Chivonne. Do not let the pale skin and blonde hair fool you. I'm black, bitches. I even have a card to prove it.

Ah... the age old dilemmas of life. They tear at you, weigh on you, hump you until you're raw. It's annoying, upsetting, and sometimes uncomfortable. Thus - my new page. I know that all of you have burning questions that you need to get off your genitals... er, chests. That's why I'm here. To answer them. Just message or comment me your question, and I'll answer it in my blog. If you would like to remain anonymous, make sure to message it, and give me a pseudonym to put in for you. It's easy!

So. Either MySpace or Facebook me your questions, and I'll answer them here. I'll still post the answers on MySpace as well, but this will make it available for all! And yes, I realize this is incredibly vain... but I'm guessing that most of you are theatre/film people, which means you're just as vain as me. So get honest with yourself and get over it.

And now I'll leave you with a "best of" from my previous blog:

Dear Axe Tashina!
i was wondering should i douche. i know they say douching is bad for my P.H. balance but for some reason whenever i don't douche, my vagina doesn't smell........fresh, for lack of a better word. should i risk my P.H. balance so that my vagina smells pretty.
sincerely,
Doucheless in Dallas

Dear Doucheless,

First of all, let me quote the most reliable of sources, my dear friend Wikipedia: "Many health care professionals state that douching is dangerous, as it interferes with both the vagina's normal self-cleaning and with the natural bacterial culture of the vagina, and it might spread or introduce infections. For example, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services strongly discourages douching, warning that it can lead to irritation, bacterial vaginosis, and pelvic inflammatory disease aka PID."

In other words? Don't douche. I mean, you can still douche if you want to ("It's my vaggie, and I'll douche if I want to..."), but I hope that you also never want to have children. Or have a child that has half of his head crushed in by the weight of your douchetacular womb. It's like when women have crack babies, except yours will be a douche baby. Then he'll get picked on at school. "Look," the other children will exclaim, "It's Douchey McDoucherton! Let's kick him!" And then they'll kick him. They're kids - they're not that witty yet. And your baby's a boy. I hope you already knew that. If not... oops! And congratulations!

Come on. You obviously already know that it's bad for you, even though I have a strong feeling that you have no idea what a pH balance even is, other than what you've heard in Secret deodorant commercials. So let me break it down for you: you are killing your vagina. Literally. When you douche, you make your lady lump more likely to catch an infection. And I'm not just talking yeast, here. I'm talking the EBOLA VIRUS all up in your good girl. Or, well... okay, not the ebola virus, but you get my point. Bacterial vaginosis is not fun. Look at the name. It doesn't even SOUND fun, like chlamydia or syphilis, and I think we all know how not fun those are. And then there's pelvis inflammatory disease, and even though I don't really know what that is, I don't want it. Do you really want to be the girl with PID? Can't you just already imagine the conversations your friends will have? "What's wrong with her?" "Dude, she's got the pid." (hysterical laughter) Awkward. Although... heh. The pid. I totally want someone I know to get PID just so I can bring "the pid" into everyday conversation.

Also? Using the those stupid towlettes that companies are coming out with is NOT better. You are almost as likely to cause damage that way, even though it's not quite as obtrusive as sticking some hose up your hoo-hoo. And maybe your baby will be a little less with the concave douche head. But: still bad. So let's think of some alternatives, shall we?

Or one alternative: BATHE. "Wait," you're thinking, "I already do that! I ain't no stinky ho." Yes you are. Or you're not, and you get too involved in cleaning other parts of your body, and then you hop out of the shower, forgetting to clean the cunt. A common problem amongst STINKY HOES. Ahem. So then you think that the douching will solve the problem, which it won't, because you need to just wash your damn clam. Now, when I was a stinky ho, I came up with a system that allowed me to always remember to wash everywhere: the acronym FLAVA FLAV. F - front, L - labia, A - all over, V - vagina, A - again... and then repeat the first four letters. Think about it. You're washing your babymaker at least 4 times! And if you include the vagina in the "front" and "all over" portions of your washing schedule, you're washing it 8 times! That Flava Flav is a genius. He likes his stinky hoes with fresh-smelling holes.

Now, if that doesn't work for you, there's something we need to think about here. My pal Wiki mentioned that douching fucks up your vaginal self-cleaning. So if you still have funky vag after all the washing... maybe your vag has broken down. She no longer self-cleans, which is usually her way of telling you that you're a slut. It's like "Finding Nemo," when the fish stop cleaning the tank in protest. Your vagina is protesting your extracurricular fucktivites, and she will stink up your whole life if you don't calm down. The douching is just making her angrier, and in response, smellier. Buy a vibrator, and use it religiously until she starts doing her job again.

Alright. I think that's pretty much all I got on the douche, unless I want to do more research. Which I don't. What is this, douche school? No thanks. Ooh, and I think that the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services should use this new motto: "Don't be a douche - DON'T DOUCHE!" Oh wait. That's just stupid.

(Final note: If you are Doucheless in Dallas, and you are in fact a virgin, or at least not actually a ho, then... I don't fucking know. Go see a gynecologist and quit bugging me with your ho-ish questions. And? WHO THE FUCK STILL DOUCHES?!?!?!)