Here's an old question from a few Christmases ago. Enjoy! And don't forget to get drunk this season!
Dear Axe Tashina,
I've seen and heard a number of things regarding Santa and his "hos." I think it's a disgrace to the whole idea of santa... the REAL meaning of christmas. Nevermind that Jesus shit, right? What do you think about this Santa business and is the political correctness gone too far?
I hope I don't hear any Santas saying "ha ha ha" in the future. I'll only think he's taunting me with his superiority over the elves.
Sincerely,
Santa is really my daddy
Dear Daddy Issues,
Okay, there are a lot of questions going on here. Well, there's really only one actual question, plus a rhetorical question, and then some grandstanding about Santa. Get off your Santa soapbox and just enjoy the magic of the holidays.
But let's get down to the real topic at hand: hoes. Everyone knows that Santa's elves are also his hoes, thus Santa calling of choice: "ho ho ho". See, he tried to be polite, and call the elves by name; after all, it worked well with his reindeer! (Except for Rudolph - that needy piece of shit wanted a whole fucking song written for him before he'd harness himself to that sleigh. If it hadn't been foggy, Santa would have just said "Fuck it" and stuck with the original twelve. As it is, Rudolph still gets made fun of in his song, so Santa got a little payback for having to grovel for that meth-addled freak of a reindeer. What, you thought that red nose was a birth defect? But I digress...) The problem with the elves, though, is that there were thousands of them. Santa didn't want to have to call each of them by name, plus he's old, so he hadn't learned a new name since "Blitzen." As he was thinking about how to solve this elf problem, his wife kindly reminded him of her Elf Brothel, and her fool-proof way of rounding up the elfstitutes when she needed their money. (Okay, so Mrs. Claus didn't remind Santa nicely, because that bitch is RUDE.) And thus, "ho ho ho" became a mainstay in Santa's lexicon.
So I don't think we have to worry about Santa changing it to "ha ha ha" because, first, that's stupid, and second, the elves wouldn't come a-running. Running elves equal hot elf bodies, which equals more money for the Elf Brothel. So never fear, young one, you will always have some "ho ho ho" in your life. Which is what I think everyone needs for the holidays.
How much do you kind of want to see a midget porn about the Elf Brothel? I'm all wet just thinking about it. Or that could just be the midget who is going down on me right now. Which is awkward, because I'm at work, and ladies are shopping for clothes. Oh, if only I had a midget to service each of them! Wait - now THAT'S the porn I want to see.
As for political correctness, I think all that's a bunch of horseshit. The last time I was politically correct, whiteys were calling darkies "colored folk." That being said, I'm not gonna shove my Santa love in everyone's faces. If they wanna love Hannukah Harry, or Kwanzaa Kameka, fine by me. Keep your Jesus out of it, though. That dude just creeps me out. Magical babies? No thanks. I don't need no baby telling me what's what - the damn thing can't even talk yet!
You know, what's weird is that if Jesus showed up today and walked on water or turned water into wine (what's his problem with water? leave that shit alone, Jesus), we'd put him in a mental institution. Where he belongs, because he CRAZY. Plus, the loony bin could probably use a little more Jesus in its life. I'm just sayin'.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand all my Christian friends are forsaking me. Right now. Don't forsake me! Do like Jesus says, and turn the other cheek. Also, don't look behind you, because I'm shoving an inanimate object in your ass. It might be a curling iron, it might be a bottle of wine, or it might be my fist.
Happy holidays!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Peeing in church is a slippery issue.
Look! A new one! I'm gonna start posting old ones too, since I'm bad at doing new ones. Plus, MySpace sucks.
Axe Tashina,
I am single white male who was recently laid-off from my job as a Sunday school teacher of 15 years. Never married, no kids, no smoke/drink. As of late I have been yearning for some companionship in my middle years. I've been thinking placing and responding to personal adds on web site called craigslist. I came across this promising add and wanted your opinion...
"Princess Pee-body seeks her Prince Albert to "shower" you with my affections. Please be +8" & hight/weight prop d/d free. Send pics of face and tool(s) (I prefer your hardware to be stainless steel for my hygiene). For your enjoyment i only use Lipton/Snapple/GrannieB teas. Let me know which taste you prefer.
Looking forward to our "golden" moment,
P.P."
I'm not much of a sweet-tea drinker and I know I'm a little old fashioned but the Idea of a Princess seeking her Prince sounds very romantic to me. I also think her use of the word "shower" is such a beautiful metaphor for passion! I wonder if she needs a bit of handy work around the house if she is interested in my tools? Forgive my ignorance but what could she want me to build that is +8" in height and weight?
So what are your thoughts and could this be a match made in heaven?
Always remember: Watch for the grace of the lord and you'll have a blessed day,
Courting Your Experience in Casual Encounters
CYECE? CYEiCE? Oh how I wish your name acronymed into something awesome,
First off – are you actually courting my experience? As in, do you want a casual encounter with me first? Before you meet up with the Peeing Princess? That’s weird and uncomfortable… although that doesn’t mean I’m completely against it. I’m always down for weird and uncomfortable.
Anyway, on to your dilemma. I… don’t even know where to begin. Did years of Sunday school make you forget everything you learned in ACTUAL school? “Pee,” “golden shower”… I mean, I don’t know how to help you there. Oh wait – I do. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT URINE. Gross. Who even thought that up as a sexual thing? “Hey, I know our sex has gotten a little stagnant – wanna try a little peeing?” Talk about stagnant! (And what I mean by that is that stagnant water can give you a staph infection, and I just assume pee could give you one too. But I have no evidence to back that up. I just wanted to have a “Talk about [word]!” statement there. Which is stupid, I guess. But now I’ve written it, and a long diatribe on why I wrote it, so there’s no going back now.) But yeah – peeing is gross. I mean, not as a regular bodily function. That’s life, everyone pees. But never in my life have I thought about peeing on someone… except that one time. Oh, and that other time. And every time I’m angry at someone. But it’s never a sexual thing! I save poop for that. I mean, at least that something you can really dig your hands into. (And… ew. I just grossed myself out. Well done, me.)
Now, I could really answer all your questions, CYECE, but I’m just going to tell you to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY BITCH. Unless you’re into crazy bitch. God knows (oops, sorry) that you’re used to them from Sunday school. But let’s not get into a religious discussion. I usually just make people angry when that happens.
No, my real issue is with “prop d/d free”. WHAT does that mean? Oh, I guess “d/d” means disease and drug. But what’s a prop? Like your dick? ONLY the dick has to be disease and drug free? Hello, mouth herpes! And why would you need to use abbreviations anyway, when it’s not a personal ad that charges by the letter. You can just write it all out. Sure, Craigslist might delete it, but I’m sure they could decipher it anyway and delete it later. What a dumb, crazy bitch. Also, WHAT is the stainless steel for? Do the teas you drink really matter!? This crazy bitch is making my head hurt.
I just realized how much I’ve written “crazy bitch.” Which… I guess, not that much. Still – I think I’ve proven my point. (Or is it proved? Is proved even a word? I have no idea. My grammar is no longer working for me.)
The point is that you should go back to church and find someone who is, as Ludacris says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” See, if you’re looking for someone who has the kink in them, it’s better to find them in some social setting where you see something normal first. NEVER go to Craig’s List to find someone. You always want to find someone who seems nice and calm on the inside, so that you can peel them like an onion later… and by that I mean that we’re all layers of crazy that make others cry. Don’t you want to cry at someone’s layers slowly? See, with Craig’s List, you get all the crazy upfront, which makes for a quick (and surprisingly, boring) relationship. In order to have a long-lasting relationship, it’s important to get attached to someone, and THEN realize their insanity too late in the game for you to get out of it.
Hope that makes sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sorry… churchies get me confused and weepy, and when I cry on my computer, the grammar function makes my stuff go bad. And by “my stuff,” I mean “my sentences.” Not my vagina. Although bad grammar does make my vagina really angry.
Axe Tashina,
I am single white male who was recently laid-off from my job as a Sunday school teacher of 15 years. Never married, no kids, no smoke/drink. As of late I have been yearning for some companionship in my middle years. I've been thinking placing and responding to personal adds on web site called craigslist. I came across this promising add and wanted your opinion...
"Princess Pee-body seeks her Prince Albert to "shower" you with my affections. Please be +8" & hight/weight prop d/d free. Send pics of face and tool(s) (I prefer your hardware to be stainless steel for my hygiene). For your enjoyment i only use Lipton/Snapple/GrannieB teas. Let me know which taste you prefer.
Looking forward to our "golden" moment,
P.P."
I'm not much of a sweet-tea drinker and I know I'm a little old fashioned but the Idea of a Princess seeking her Prince sounds very romantic to me. I also think her use of the word "shower" is such a beautiful metaphor for passion! I wonder if she needs a bit of handy work around the house if she is interested in my tools? Forgive my ignorance but what could she want me to build that is +8" in height and weight?
So what are your thoughts and could this be a match made in heaven?
Always remember: Watch for the grace of the lord and you'll have a blessed day,
Courting Your Experience in Casual Encounters
CYECE? CYEiCE? Oh how I wish your name acronymed into something awesome,
First off – are you actually courting my experience? As in, do you want a casual encounter with me first? Before you meet up with the Peeing Princess? That’s weird and uncomfortable… although that doesn’t mean I’m completely against it. I’m always down for weird and uncomfortable.
Anyway, on to your dilemma. I… don’t even know where to begin. Did years of Sunday school make you forget everything you learned in ACTUAL school? “Pee,” “golden shower”… I mean, I don’t know how to help you there. Oh wait – I do. SHE’S TALKING ABOUT URINE. Gross. Who even thought that up as a sexual thing? “Hey, I know our sex has gotten a little stagnant – wanna try a little peeing?” Talk about stagnant! (And what I mean by that is that stagnant water can give you a staph infection, and I just assume pee could give you one too. But I have no evidence to back that up. I just wanted to have a “Talk about [word]!” statement there. Which is stupid, I guess. But now I’ve written it, and a long diatribe on why I wrote it, so there’s no going back now.) But yeah – peeing is gross. I mean, not as a regular bodily function. That’s life, everyone pees. But never in my life have I thought about peeing on someone… except that one time. Oh, and that other time. And every time I’m angry at someone. But it’s never a sexual thing! I save poop for that. I mean, at least that something you can really dig your hands into. (And… ew. I just grossed myself out. Well done, me.)
Now, I could really answer all your questions, CYECE, but I’m just going to tell you to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY BITCH. Unless you’re into crazy bitch. God knows (oops, sorry) that you’re used to them from Sunday school. But let’s not get into a religious discussion. I usually just make people angry when that happens.
No, my real issue is with “prop d/d free”. WHAT does that mean? Oh, I guess “d/d” means disease and drug. But what’s a prop? Like your dick? ONLY the dick has to be disease and drug free? Hello, mouth herpes! And why would you need to use abbreviations anyway, when it’s not a personal ad that charges by the letter. You can just write it all out. Sure, Craigslist might delete it, but I’m sure they could decipher it anyway and delete it later. What a dumb, crazy bitch. Also, WHAT is the stainless steel for? Do the teas you drink really matter!? This crazy bitch is making my head hurt.
I just realized how much I’ve written “crazy bitch.” Which… I guess, not that much. Still – I think I’ve proven my point. (Or is it proved? Is proved even a word? I have no idea. My grammar is no longer working for me.)
The point is that you should go back to church and find someone who is, as Ludacris says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” See, if you’re looking for someone who has the kink in them, it’s better to find them in some social setting where you see something normal first. NEVER go to Craig’s List to find someone. You always want to find someone who seems nice and calm on the inside, so that you can peel them like an onion later… and by that I mean that we’re all layers of crazy that make others cry. Don’t you want to cry at someone’s layers slowly? See, with Craig’s List, you get all the crazy upfront, which makes for a quick (and surprisingly, boring) relationship. In order to have a long-lasting relationship, it’s important to get attached to someone, and THEN realize their insanity too late in the game for you to get out of it.
Hope that makes sense. Because it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m sorry… churchies get me confused and weepy, and when I cry on my computer, the grammar function makes my stuff go bad. And by “my stuff,” I mean “my sentences.” Not my vagina. Although bad grammar does make my vagina really angry.
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